WWJT? (Who Would Jesus Torture?)

A Christian radio show host asked me the other day how I could, as a believer, be cool with waterboarding terrorists for intel crucial to our national security—or, as I like to call it, the implementation of the Irrigation for Information Act. Irrigation sounds so much more pleasant than torture, oui? Oui.

I told my inquiring host that as a patriotic white male Christian redneck, as far as I can deduce from the holy text, Jesus and the balance of Scripture seem to be okay with dunking Achmed if said butt munch has the 411 regarding the 10/20 of the next mass slaughter of innocent Americans. Call me crazy. I’m well aware, however, that I could be committing an exegetical error given the fact that I’m white and male and all. This is my cross.

Please note: If Christ wasn’t cool with irrigating irate Islamicists for facts, I must admit, I would still have to green light our boys getting data from enemy combatants 007 style. Stick a fire hose up their tailpipe and turn it on full blast. I don’t care. I’m not as holy as most of you super saints or as evolved as some of you progressive atheists purport to be. Security beats spirituality in this scenario, as far as I’m concerned.

Now, as you can imagine, the holier-than-I show host was a tad bit taken aback by my confidence and giddiness over teaching captured terrorists how to snorkel minus the snorkeling gear if it would keep our country safe. He saw that as somehow incongruent with the Clay Aikenization of the sassy Christ a stack of Americans now worship. He then asked me, in kind of a tsk-tsk tone, for a proof text or two from Jesus’ lips and la Biblia that would come even close to him wishing or implementing ill on those who would harm or kill the innocent. This was like taking candy from a baby for me.

How’s this for starters, Slappy? In John 2:12-17 Jesus whipped religious hacks who were turning God’s temple into a Costco for religious crap. According to San Juan’s account, it was the second thing Jesus did after John baptized him in the river Jordan. The first thing he did was turn water into wine. That’s two things lame evangelicals can’t imagine Jesus doing: making wine or using a whip, but I digress.

Yep, Jesus opened up a can of whup ass on charlatans in the temple. He didn’t pray for them or write them an angry email with the caps lock on or call them “man-made religious disasters” that we need to apologize to for forcing them to sell overpriced spiritual curios. Nope, he methodically sat down, got ticked, made a whip and cleared the punks.

Having that snapshot of Christ violently snapping on the 1st century televangelists in the temple, I’m a thinkin’ that if he got that riled up over overpriced Precious Moments figurines, personally whipped the culprits for it and then ransacked their product display tables, more than likely he would be cool with submerging a couple of murderous morons who have information regarding the pending liquidation of thousands of innocent civilians. (And by the way, I’ll take water in the face over a whip to the back any day of the week.)

If you still think he would have problems with waterboarding the wicked who have the poop on potential terror plots, then what do you do with the story of Noah’s Ark? Correct me if I’m wrong, but those chumps got waterboarded to the max, right? Aw, what’s the matter? Does that 411 not fit with the Jesus you made up? Shame.

Not only did Jesus flog greedy religious freaks, he, along with the Father and the Holy Spirit, created this little place called hell for the wicked—which makes Gitmo look like a Chuck E. Cheese. Although, come to think of it, Chuck E. Cheese is quite hellish. Bad analogy. You get my point.

In Matthew 18:6 Jesus said if you harmed a little kid it would be better for you to have a chunk of concrete tied around your neck and tossed into the drink off Miami Beach compared to what the Trinity has prepared for you in eternity (author’s paraphrase). Sounds bad, eh? Worse than waterboarding? I’m thinking . . . yeah.

And then we have the book of Revelation. Yikes. This book is one chapter after another of agony on steroids for those that war against that which is holy, just and good.

So, once again, I’m kinda thinkin’ Hey-Soos wouldn’t blink at how cautiously and methodically our intelligence gents have been in pouring some Zephyr Hills down Habeeb’s nostrils in the hope that such “torture” will make him spill the beans regarding his posse’s plans.

Y’know, maybe I would be more empathetic toward the terrorists who wish to kill us if I were a Hispanic woman from the Bronx, but alas, I ain’t. So, I say, in the name of Jesus, water baptize the bastards for an extra minute or two if that’ll persuade them to unveil their buddy’s macabre machinations.

Granted, it’s always great and right to err on the side of civility, except of course when saving many lives trumps the uncomfortable nature of sticking a garden hose in a terrorist’s snout.

WWJD indeed!

WRITTEN by Doug Giles at TownHall.com on May 30th, 2009

Recovering the Lost Art of Manhood

Not only should Perez read this particular book, but so should Obama and his male entitlement mooks. Maybe Adam Lambert should give it a gander—and all the rest of the American Idol males, too, for that matter. I’m also certain that it would be advantageous for 99% of evangelical men and all the current boys who make up the Republican Party’s leadership to peruse its contents.

So, what’s the book that’ll cure Perez’s paranormalities and shore up BHO’s sell out mentality? Well, it is not Liberace’s biography or Dr. I. Blow’s new book, How Guys Can Get in Touch with Their Inner Diva, or my 2006 book, 10 Habits of Decidedly Defective People, or another one of Alinsky’s rags.

The book that could possibly (maybe) cure Hilton’s heinously deep weirdness, the effete bent of our culture, the wuss tick in churches, Obama’s many ills, as well as the pusillanimity of GOP politicos is Frank Miniter’s new destined-to-be-bestselling tome, The Ultimate Man’s Survival Guide: Recovering the Lost Art of Manhood.

As most of my regular readers know, one of my favorite whipping posts is the metrosexual male imago the man-haters are successfully saddling our sons with. This Puss-in-Boots culture detests men who would be men. That’s why parents and grandparents who loathe what the media and various institutions are trying to do to our boys need Miniter’s new book more than Pelosi needs Jesus and a straight jacket. Frank has penned a manifesto for manhood, a veritable tour de force for testosterone that decisively rebels against the gush of this sassy society.

So what’s so great about Miniter’s book on the lost art of manhood? Here are four things that flick my switch:

• It’s not 400 pages long. Frank cuts to the chase. No long, drawn-out blah, blah, blah fluff trying to fill pages so his publisher won’t sue him for not hitting his contractual word count. As a man, I appreciate that. I’ve got stuff to do. Don’t go wafty on me. Get to the point. And Frank does just that.

• It’s insanely practical. In TUMSG, not only will Miniter hit you with some heavies regarding the philosophic aspects of classic male virtues, but he’ll also lay out: 5 ways to purify water; which survival knife is best; how to survive if you get lost; how to rescue a capsized boater; how to fend off a bear, cougar and alligator attack; how to spot poisonous snakes; how to control arterial bleeding; 10 rules of gun safety; Marine Corps sniper tactics; 10 steps to field dress a deer; fishing strategies for stream, lake and ocean; how to throw a fastball, curve and a change-up; how to run with the bulls of Pamplona; how to choose the perfect candy, flowers and jewelry for your lady; how to judge, cut and smoke a cigar; the differences between certain whiskeys, wines and beers; how to win at poker; the importance of the 10 Commandments; 100 movies and 100 books every dude should see and read; and the 10 most manly deaths—from Davy Crockett to Jesus Christ. And that’s just a fraction of the useful stuff Frank cranks in this politically incorrect, metrosexual maligning manuscript.

• It lauds classic male traits of yesteryear, things like: self confidence, precision, wisdom, humility, bravery, strength, honor, sacrifice and knowledge. You remember those masculine traits, don’t you? Not only does Frank float these old school assets but he also profiles many men who embodied these goodies while here on planet earth.

• He walks his talk. Believe it or not, Frank lives this stuff . . . at least as much as a sinner can. Miniter has floated the Amazon (the river, not the online superstore), run with the bulls of Pamplona, and hunted everything from bear in Russia to elk with the Apache to kudu in the Kalahari. Along the way Frank learned boxing from Floyd Patterson, spelunked into Pompey’s cave, and I hear he can make a wicked martini. FM’s a graduate of the oldest private military academy in the US, a place that still teaches honor and old school gentlemanly conduct and believes, obviously, “that men need this book because the US has lost its code of honor as enumerated by its Founding Fathers.”

Hey parent and/or grandparent, give me your good ear for a sec. The MSM, public schools, pop culture, effeminate branches of evangelicalism and liberal politics have made being a man, in the classic sense of the word, a bad thing. If you want to make certain your son or grandson morphs into a dandy dilatory dipstick then allow him to ogle pop culture, admire our current political clime, and send him to a church that’s filled with dancing wood fairies, a lot of “hugging and sharing,” and more floral displays than an FTD warehouse. They will wring out of him any and all vestiges of that which makes him a man. You might as well stock up on eye-liner, fingernail polish, glitter, James Blunt CDs, and some skinny stretch jeans right now because he’s gonna need ‘em.

However, should you desire that your son become a William Wallace, you must do the following:

Buy Miniter’s book!

In addition, buy my audio books, Raising Boys That Feminists Will Hate and God’s Warriors & Wild Men (www.clashradio.com), and Doug Wilson’s book, Future Men. The aforementioned will provide you and your Y chromosome with all the information and inspiration needed for him to be the provider, protector, hunter and hero God intended him to become.

Also, single ladies, if you have some 21st century metro guy begging to take you out on a date or wanting your hand in marriage, before you plow forward with Mr. Sassy Pants you might want to have him digest Frank’s book as a good acid test to verify whether or not you’re saddling up to a man or a hamster. Let him read it. See if it gives him a tummy ache. If it doesn’t make him run screaming to mommy and he actually cowboys up and begins to embody what this survivor guide espouses—for, let’s say, five years—then go out with him. Unless, of course, you like dating hamsters who weep while watching the movie Twilight.

Great stuff, Frank.

Congrats!

WRITTEN by Doug Giles as "Here's a Book Perez Hilton and Barrack Obama Should Read" at TownHall.com on May 23rd, 2009

God Has His Ways of Getting a Nation's Attention

When Old Testament Israel strayed from following God, Yahweh had unique and painful ways of getting the Hebrews’ attention. His first line of attack was to send in His prophets—who were not the shiny, happy-clappy, cliché-spewing, aphorism-addicted mega church pastors who are more interested in hawking their books than bearding the priests of Baal.

No, the prophets were wrecking cranes to wayward Israel’s facades. They were imperfect, difficult dudes who called a spade a shovel for a perfect God. They didn’t give a crap who you were, who your mommy was, if you were the King or Pastor Whoop-Dee-Frickin’-Do. They were fiercely devoted to God and His ways. Janet Napolitano would call these truth-tellers “terror threats” because they loathed godless governments and butt-kissing priests and had no problem whatsoever letting those entities have it verbally.

Yep, if you were out of sorts with God because of practicing whacked stuff or preaching Oprah instead of Obadiah, you were about to be publically roasted via the prophets’ sizzling invectives.

Need a mental image? Imagine Rush, Beck, Coulter, Miller or O’Reilly on steroids.

This skewering, to be sure, was about as fun for the rebel recipients as watching Nancy Pelosi do an interpretive dance of “Riders on the Storm” (the extended version) would be for Simon Cowell.

A humiliating open rebuke, however, was a mere love tap when compared to an eternity of misery and the coming decades-long national butt kicking Israel was in line to receive should they remain contumacious.

The prophets’ messages were never complicated. These gruff and holy critters offered God’s people two choices: turn or . . . burn. If Israel obeyed, they’d be blessed. If they disobeyed, well . . . let’s just say things didn’t go that well for the next four decades.

You see, if Israel turned from their profane BS (belief systems) and back to God, Yahweh would chill and relent from the attention-grabbing calamities He was heatin’ up on heaven’s back burner. The prophet, unfortunately, was officially out of a job if the Hebrews went the repentant route. Yep, Amos had to go back to fig picking.

However, when Israel blew the prophets off by condemning the messenger, categorizing the message as hate speech, jailing the prophet(s) or, as in some cases, killing the prophetic salvo, God would in turn switch to plan B to get His insubordinate group’s good ear.

God, not the one to run out of advanced repentance techniques, would allow Israel’s economy to go to hell, plagues to ravage their land, nature to convulse, and enemies the ability to pulverize them.

Yep, unless I’m reading the Bible upside down, it seems that when the nation went astray from God’s law and wouldn’t listen to the prophets’ calls to repentance and instead vilified the saving voices, God allowed one (or more) of the four aforementioned hammers to pound them until Israel became all ears.

This is, at least to me, a plain prophetic pattern within the Scripture. The $64,000 question you gotta ask yourself is this: If there is a God, and if the Bible isn’t a bunch of fairy tales written by a stack of whack jobs, then does God still roll today like He did with Old Testament Israel as He interfaces with 21st century nations that spurn His values to His face?

I’m guessin’ God hasn’t had an extreme makeover and that He is the same yesterday, today and forever, which could mean in our current culture—where evil is good and good is evil—that we might be in line for grave negative sanctions because, apparently, America’s new favorite pastime is whizzing on that which is holy, just and good.

WRITTEN by Doug Giles for TownHall.com and published there on May 10th, 2009

The Castrated States of America

In just 100 days Obama has moved us from a war footing to a wuss footing. Yes sir, from a foreign policy/national defense standpoint, Barack is making Jimmy Carter look like a full-on badass. The President is dead set on taking off our rowdy body armor and replacing it with a petite glittered bustier; he's insisting that our General Pattons become generally passive. A one-eyed, myopic circus freak can see this.

Yep, forget the G.I. Joe, Johnny Get Your Gun image America used to tout. Obama would rather us morph into a chatty Jiminy Glick before those who want us dead.

You just know Osama and his boys are in some Pakistani cave smoking a hookah piled high with blonde Lebanese hash as they praise Allah and laugh their butts off at how stupid and soft we've become in just a few months while they plot their next "manmade disaster," as Janet Napolitano would call it.

I'm certain that this recent transition from bold to bland is making all the "progressives" feel smarmy as they imagine in their warm and fuzzy heart of hearts that they have just climbed up a couple rungs on the evolutionary ladder.

However, no matter how chuffed the daft Left feels about our metamorphosis from strength to slop, millions of implacable Muslims and rogue dictators around the planet will continue to abhor us regardless of whether or not we go metrosexual. They do not believe in evolving and are currently fetching some C4 to blow up the ladder the Left pretends we are ascending.

Can you say, naïve? I knew you could.

Conservative commentators are taking Obama to task, stating that Barack is putting us in a pre-9/11 mindset. A pre-9/11 mindset? I think you boys and girls are being too nice. Forget pre-9/11... this is pre-7/11. And from a security standpoint, sooner or later his policies are going to make life in the US, let's say, really inconvenient.

Now, should Charlie Gibson ever interview you non-Kool Aid swillers on TV and in the course of the interview lower his tortoise shell reading glasses and contemptuously ask you with that oleaginous look on his face, "So, Mr. or Ms. Conservative, exactly what is the Obama Doctrine?" From what BHO has said and done in the last 100 daze, you can tell Chuck's tacky backside it's this: The Obama Doctrine is the systematic emasculation of those aspects and entities that, heretofore, have kept us safe. It is the politically correct castration of our nation's cojones, or tomatoes, or testicles or whatever you want to call 'em.

Yes, according to our Gelding-In-Chief, everything is our fault, our strongest allies are to be dissed, bows are to be given to Saudi Kings, high fives go to Hugo, Ahmadinejad gets a bromance vid from BHO via YouTube, and talks are conducted with Cuba about burning a Cohiba with the Castro brothers. In addition, Obama's administration says Israel is the pain in the middle east, the US should throw billions at rogue nations, we ought to nuke our nukes . . . all the while blaming everything on GW, telling the world Islam doesn't spawn terrorists, and forbidding our interrogators to interrogate those who wish us dead. What's next, BHO? A détente with el Diablo?

Yeah, what I've deduced from Obama's teleprompter is this: The Obama Doctrine is, essentially, that America sucks. Everything is our fault. And to go forward, we must castrate everything that has kept us secure, because, y'know, we wouldn't want to continue to be safe and strong anymore, right?

WRITTEN by Doug Giles and posted at ClashRadio.com on May 4th, 2009

A Time to Clash

A popular columnist, minister, artist, cigar smoker, big-game hunter, and writer, Doug Giles is a modern renaissance man (though he might slap down that description.) His website and radio show, 'The Clash', can be visited by clicking into the title of this entry above. Giles is a no-holds-barred warrior for any and all causes for the betterment of American culture. He hits home for me particularly because he regularly posts advice and commentary as to the raising of his two teenage daughters, a process that I went through as well and can fully appreciate. But when Giles gives advice, it isn't, shall we say, mushy. Giles is a traditional culture superstar with a tough-guy approach and a real depth to his intellect and humor. You can catch his weekly columns at TownHall.com, they are absolute must-reads, as are his books: "Ruling in Babylon: 7 Habits of Highly Effective Twentysomethings", "Political Twerps, Cultural Jerks, Church Quirks", "The Bulldog Attitude: Get It Or Get Left Behind", "10 Habits of Decidedly Defective People: the Successful Loser's Guide to Life", and the new "A Time to Clash". Pick up something, anything, from Giles' body of work, and you will be hooked.