The Video Software Ate My Homework

Honestly, I spent my entire Sunday trying to create a 10 minute video with some new fangled computer program I picked up at Best Buy. Every time I thought I had the hang of it, something else crunked out. Maybe the technology gods will take pity on my poor decrepit soul.

This situation reminds me of those shiny pearls of wisdom from kinky-haired Roseanne Rosanna Dana, aka the late great Gilda Radner of SNL fame who was better known for getting something stuck between her teeth than dispensing good advice.

"It just goes to show. It's always something."

In light of the late hour or early morning, whichever floats your boat, today's articles will have a slightly different format. Short, sweet, and to the point. Some may succinctly say it all with just a glance and a wink.

And who knows, you may like it. If so, spread the word. This could turn into a regular Monday occurrence.

Thick Political Atmosphere Attributable to Impending Iowa Caucuses

Sometimes, it’s hard to know which hat to wear. A leather cowboy or Hawaiian straw. A green beret or corduroy newsboy. A political analyst or celebrity sleaze. Let the brouhaha begin.

Every day, we straddle the thin line between politics and celebrities because it is there. We dare to go where nary another blog has ventured before. Some have tried, but most have thrown their hands up in humiliating defeat. Their failure will be our triumph. We’re focused on the brass ring, the holy grail of niches. We’re determined to bring it home.

Hope you enjoyed that slaphappy soliloquy because it’s an earnest attempt at humor. In my humble opinion, even bad humor is better than no humor at all.

We know most of our visitors drop by for the latest celebrity smut. Our problem is we sometimes like to be taken seriously, so we post semi-intellectual musings about matters of practical concern. When we pen about politics, we probably alienate the bulk of our visitors, and vice-versa, when we post a column about celebrities, our politically minded readers probably take a hike. It’s the price we pay for trying to combine the two, but that’s who we are. It’s also who we hope our readers will eventually come to love and embrace.

I just had to get that off my chest before attacking today’s topic, however, I am now so nauseated by my own attempt at wittiness, I must forage ahead.

If you haven’t already guessed, I'm feeling consumed by politics. Had could I not? The political postulating is so thick you could spread it on a bagel. It’s Iowa caucuses time, baby. Can you say "Eyes of America"?

I love how this election finally shaped up to be a horse race. Today, the average woman/man on the street isn’t quite certain how his/her vote will be cast. All eyes are on Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina.

I look back fondly to November when the conventional wisdom of fellow BlogWorld participants resignedly reaffirmed a Clinton coronation. Hardly anyone agreed Mrs. Clinton is presidential material, mind you, they simply bowed to the collective conjecture of the talking heads. In fact, some who attended BlogWorld are the talking heads. Talking heads "you’d like to engage in amiable conversation but are too busy to be bothered because they think you’re a nobody" talking heads.

How I'd relish looking them in the eye right this very moment. I'd chuckle, saying, “Told you so. Told you so. Nah nah nah nah boo boo.” Immature, certainly, but highly gratifying.

Collective wisdom is a precarious commodity. It can change on a dime. If enough people say something long enough, loud enough, and strong enough, they have a shot at making it so. Through the power of the Internet, I took my shot. I’d like to think I played a bit part in knocking Hillary off her high perch, although, one never knows, does one? Only time will tell.

Yes, I dislike Hillary as a person and for her politics. I live in a state that’s the model for Hillary’s America, the model for most if not all of the Democratic candidates, really. It’s the model for my own choice in the primaries, Chris Dodd, which I suppose makes me look like a hypocrite, but the alternatives are just as bad or worse. I rationalize by saying he comes packaged with some enviable foreign policy and economic expertise. Hillary, on the other hand, would be a complete and utter disaster. My hope is, if nominated, Dodd will gravitate to the center as most savvy presidential candidates do. If so, I believe he will be a formidable contender in the general election.

Democrats have been fooled before. Governor Martin O’Malley is in the process of turning Maryland into a welfare state. Business and industry are on the decline, the population is leaving in droves, and the middle class is about to be taxed out of existence. Soon, there won’t be enough of a tax base to fund Martin's grandiose welfare plans. Schools are suffering. Crime has gotten worse. Do I sound fatalistic? Remember, I’m only the messenger.

What? Too sobering?

(cut to commercial)



(back to my Maryland lament)

A Johnny-come-lately Republican challenge to the biggest tax increase in state history is now wending its way through the courts. These antics are a futile waste of time. Those pansies had their chance to stop the madness during Martin’s special session. A pox on them and the entrenched Democratic leadership. The whole lot of them should be thrown out of the General Assembly on their ears.

I don't want America to suffer the same fate as Maryland. Increased taxes, pork projects, government funded assistance, and big government are the harbingers of demise. Tax and spend does not work in a capitalist society. Never has. Never will.

Capitalism thrives when people have the incentive, motivation, and dedication to become the best. With sweat equity, ingenuity, and ability, anyone can become an American success story. That’s the promise, the dream, and the reason America is the envy and disgust of the free world. Yes, they hate us. Is anyone surprised?

Strip those ingredients away, tax the middle class until they become the nouveau poor, increase government handouts, and what you’ll have left is a recipe for socialism. Slowly, slowly, life as Americans live now will crumble away. The wealthy will park their money elsewhere, maybe visit from time to time, but they will slowly fade away. Knowing more than half their income will fund government, future generations will have little incentive to produce wealth. All that will be left is the mediocre and barely palatable. That may be good enough for some, but not for me.

Besides, if certain Americans want to live in socialist republics, why not move to England or France? I hear the citizenry is quite happy with their regimes. In return, their regimes are quite happy to change diapers, no questions asked.

New 3-column Blogger Template is a Keeper

Welcome back. Hoping Santa delivered everything everyone desired. And for those of you who got lumps of coal (you know who you are), don't sweat the small stuff. Easy for me to say. It's been temperately comfortable here in Charm City and probably will remain so throughout the day.

What have we been up to other than redesigning ye old blog once again? As I pound out this post, the latest addition to our family, a little snow white 4-week old 5 oz. guinea pig, gnaws away at his new digs, letting guinea pig numero uno know he is one to be taken seriously. Sigh. Numero uno doesn't have much more time. He's been battling bladder stones, and unfortunately, recently started showing more wear and tear. I wanted him to have a little friend to hang with during his last days, poor dear. He's been an only guinea pig up since the day we brought him home from the pet store. It might be nice for the little guy to swap stories and chew the carrot with a new companion.

No, this isn't the kind of news people expect to read here at The Spewker, but I thought some personal tidbits might help build stronger connections with our audience. Okay? Okay.

The new 3-column design was very hard to come by. I basically programmed it myself, no easy task for one with little knowledge of html, ccs, javascript, and all that other bloody computer speak. Blogger must be updating their server because, for the life of me, I cannot upload the old widgets. Normally, I would use this time to regurgitate recently discovered fodder as tasty news morsels, but having wasted more than four hours trying to get this site up to speed, I'm throwing in the towel. Rest assured, the old widgets will be back before you've had a chance to realize they're gone.

Then again, most of our readers probably wouldn't have noticed any difference.

No matter. To those of you who are lucky enough to be on vacation this week, why not review some older posts? At least the "Labels" widget uploaded. If nothing in that directory tickles your fancy, feel free to try out our new search bar. Might as well help this tiny enterprise earn its keep.

For those of you who are back in the office today, thanks ever so much for dropping by. Please stop by again soon. Ye old blog should be back on its feet and raring to go before the guinea pigs can empty their big bowl of food.

The Spewker Narrows Focus

Some blogs eventually reach a crossroads. Continue with the current direction or switch to a different track. After much considered thought, The Spewker will narrow its focus of reporting by moving in a new direction. Apologies to those who do not wish to come along for the ride.

Refunds on tickets are at the door. Not.

Yes, the site has been sparse of late. I've toyed around with the idea of going dark to develop the new niche, but quickly nixed it because the blog has to go dark in the near future anyway. Sounds a but mysterious, but I'm forbidden from divulging why.

Let's just say, creativity takes time. Learning tricks of the trade takes time. Fortunately, I have connections to good people with a succesful track record in the blogosphere. These people explained that without a clearly defined niche, a blog is just more chatter competing for attention. That isn't what I had in mind for this site, although, in case any of you haven't noticed, The Spewker publishes news and commentary on just about any topic that strikes my fancy.

Those days are over. Well, almost.

As I said before, I brought a friend on board and we are developing a new site. I may sneak in a topic on The Spewker here and there, one that doesn't necessarily fit the new niche, but that's only because old habits die hard. From here on out, The Spewker will, for the most part, publish articles focusing on political news in the world of entertainment. More and more, celebrities are becoming political activists or supporting political causes. I believe, and I hope you will agree, the time is ripe for this type of publication.

Yes, it's been tried before, and perhaps is in the process of being developed elsehwere. I honestly believe there is a still a market for this type of news. After launching the new site, The Spewker may return to daily rants and pokes, but for now, it's celebrity politics 24/7.

What do you think about this more narrowly defined focus? Yay or nay?

New Contest for Desperate Niche Seekers

Neophyte bloggers are so newbie. They conjure up images of scarf-headed bundle-toting old country immigrants trudging bleary-eyed across Ellis Island as they try to carve out a meager existence in the Brave New World. Color me newbie.

Almost three full months after starting this site, I'm still trying to beat a recognizable path through the blogosphere. Fortitude, gumption, whatever it's called, I got it. I just want to be sure it's not in my underwear.

A will to succeed is not enough. What this blogger needs is a good mentor. Can I reach the promised land if I'm flying solo, or will I forever wander in the foresaken desert, doomed for all eternity to remain without a clue?

Don't answer that. Please, don't. Oh fine...go ahead ... if you must.

To date, no one has offered to take me under their wing or even thrown me a bone. Plenty of bloggers shelling out tips I managed to learn myself, but no one offering the kind of information this blog needs to take off. I suppose I shouldn't expect charitable advice from perfect strangers, but then again, it's not so unreasonable to try, is it? Well?

I network. I join. I submit. I e-mail. I return favors. I comment. I basically do all the things the experts say to get noticed, but nothing seems to work... at least not the way I would expect things to work after two and a half months of shameless self promotion.

Someone needs to write a book. I mean it. The definitive book on everything bloggers need to know to survive in cyberspace. Call it "The Bloggers Essential Survival Guide," and include chapters on networking, communities, SEO, design, the whole shebang from A to Z. I swear, whoever could publish a book like that would make a fortune. Especially if they could price it at $9.95 or less. Anyone with daily access to a computer has ten bucks to spare, right?

Dang, if I wasn't so busy spewing my guts out in this blog, I'd write the darn thing myself. Of course, with what little I know, no one would read it. But why should that matter? Plenty of people hold themselves out as experts when they are only capable of flying under the radar. Just take a look at our president. Sorry, Dubs.

Yesterday, I spent a ton of time networking on one of my favorite sites, MyBlogCatalog. This is a great community. Easy to navigate, no heavy duty rules, lots of good people on board, and plenty to do. Bloggers seem to hang out there 24/7. Plus, the site is a wonderful resource tool for people who want to do more than hobby blog. I finally figured out that anyone can post a discussion thread and each time a member responds to it, the thread goes viral. So very cool, I almost had to wear a scarf. Not.

But getting back to the point of this article. The reason I bring up the viral discussion threads at MyBlogCatalog is because I decided to start one myself. Nothing major. Just a little contest to entice people to post about successful niches. If you don't know what a niche is, you have no right reading the rest of this article. Go take a look at my Stompt the Spew feature. It's much lighter fare with a little kicker at the end -- a rating tool for this blog at MyBlogCatalog. Make sure to use the tool when you're done. Better yet, go use the tool now.

How do I get off on these tangents?

About the contest. I liked the idea of running a contest for great niche ideas so much that I decided to set up the contest here as well. Spewker's new contest feature design is somewhat lame, I know, but in my defense, I didn't feel like shelling out the cash to upgrade. So what if the wording at the top of the shoutbox makes me look like a complete idiot. I'm a newb. Experienced bloggers almost expect my blog to look like an amateur. I think they might even feel threatened if the blog had an immediate professional look. I know I would.

Please don't be shy. Anyone can post a short blurb about a terrific niche. It doesn't even have to be a niche you use. It can be one you saw somewhere else. The idea just has to be impressive to be a contender. Also, don't worry about copycats. Good niches were meant to be tweaked not duplicated.

Coffee, tea, or tweaked? I'll have coffe and a touch of tweak, thank you. Better throw in some Splenda for good measure.

If a niche is so vulnerable to duplication, it's really not worth posting about anyway. Sooner or later, people are going to find the little bugger and copy it. That's just the way things seem to happen online. Good people, let me reassure you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by posting a good niche idea. Go to my shoutbox and do it now!

Who knows? Once I've gathered enough information, I might officially stop being a newb. My goal is to use all the posted responses in an article about my contest and its results. As stated, I intend to give the winner a prominent mention on The Spewker, and a permalink to the URL of choice. A cash prize is still in the works, but may not be in the cards. I'm very open to the possibility as long as I get posts with hot ideas.

Hey....why didn't I think of this sooner. A blog about the outcomes of contests. How cool is that? Somebody...anybody...please digg this lightening bolt. I'm so ready to pack up and call it a night.

Update: About two weeks after this article posted, I took the shoutbox down. No one was interested in sharing niche ideas. In fact, people seemed afraid of sharing niche ideas, like I would copy them or something. Today's date is Super Tuesday, 2008. As of today, I've personally seen at least two other celebrity sites start to copy some of my format, and at least one other site publish more content about celebrity politics. These were all sites I had followed early on and monitored, so I know their changes came after mine. I'm not accusing anyone of actually copying The Spewker, mind you. I'm a firm believer of copying being the highest form of flattery and great minds thinking alike. I'm only saying that no one on the Internet has a monopoly on ideas and anything good can and will be copied. Get used to it. And help out your fellow bloggers. You never know how and when they may be able to repay your act of kindness.

Traffic Tricks for Desperate Bloggers

I love this. Desperate Bloggers. No one dropping by, not to browse, not to have coffee, not even friends who might otherwise leave comments. What does it take to get noticed in this racket?

Well, according to one blogger, all it takes is the following bit of creativity:

"A couple of weeks ago I wrote an article on this website with a sentence in it that contained these three web addresses: www.sex.com www.religion.com and www.hell.com. Now look at the effect in our web log"

About a hundred tracked URLs followed that post.

Hmmmm. The idea gave me cause for pause. So, starting today, I've installed a site tracker. No muss no fuss. Just a bit of code. I'd like to see whether three URLs actually can increase traffic. If it does, great. At least I'll know people with a proclivity toward deviance are alive and well and searching for blogs. If not, ah well, it was worth a shot.

All I have to lose is my dignity, right?

Blogger Mistakes and Other Misfortunes

On a positive note, The Spewker has a new look. It only took the entire day to design. I'm ready to call it a night.

Warning to the blogging unwary. Before spending gobs of time and effort adding content, better spend time perfecting your site design. I feel like I lost an entire month due to stupid mistakes and my inability to recognize them. It's not as if blogging comes with instructions. Luckily, I realized the error of my ways. Now perhaps, I can get back on track.

For some reason, my site feed wouldn't burn content, and as all good bloggers know, without a working site feed, one might as well pack up and go home. Not only that, the tiny little handful of subscribers I had so carefully culled dropped out of sight. Guess I should have subscribed to the medic blog of Feedburner. Let this be a lesson to everyone out there who may be even more clueless. Your blog will slip into obscurity without a properly working feed.

Please come back little subscribers. I promise to treat you oh so nicely this time around.

On a less than positive note, today I discovered that The Spewker had slipped so far down in the search engine ratings, not even ReviewMe would let me sign up. Perhaps that had something to do with my site's lack of meta tags and other such misfortunes. Listen. I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to site design, okay? All I know is that I like to rant and poke fun at stuff. Does that make me a bad person?

Don't answer that.

Anyway, I'm tired and the hour is late (or early, depending on the point of view). I had such high hopes of accomplishing so much today. Unfortunately, none of it ever materialized. Here's hoping that the upcoming month of September sees an increase in visibility and readership.