1981: A New Beginning

All this year at my Facebook page, which you can view from the link in the sidebar here at my website by joining up yourself and 'Friend'-ing me, I am taking a daily trip back in time to the 1980's. Each month I am highlighting a different year chronologically, and this month have been featuring the music, tv, movies, and important events of 1981. You can also follow this little mini-series of articles on each year of the "1980's'" by clicking on to that 'label' below this article.

As we all know, a new decade does not actually technically begin in a year that ends in a zero, it begins with the year ending in one (1). So while 1981 might be the 2nd year of the 1980's, it's the first year of a new decade and marked a beginning in a couple of different chapters of my own life.

In late September of 1980, my little young family had moved into an apartment in South Philly. 1981 would be the first and only full calendar year that we would live there. It was an interesting year at what became simply known as 'the apartment' in our little circle of friends. We had many a Friday night party at the place in the early months of the year, but as the summer drew on things got a bit more crowded.

In another development of those early months, the news came to us that a new addition was expected in the Veasey clan. Having given birth to Chrissy the previous February, we learned that Anne was pregnant again. Given that she was due at the end of July 1981, it appeared that this was a post-World Series baby conceived in the immediate aftermath of the Phils' first-ever championship at the end of October.

So leaping forward, on July 30th, 1981, Kelly Anne Veasey came into the world. We had planned all along to actually name her 'Kerry' rather than 'Kelly'. But another young couple who lived on Anne's parents block in Prospect Park, PA, were due at the same time. They gave birth just before us, and named their new daughter 'Kerry'. That killed it, we weren't going to be seen as copy-cats. So 'Kelly' it was. A fine Irish name.

Kelly's sister Christine had been almost too good to be true as a baby. She was quiet, happy, mostly healthy, slept through the night. A dream for a young couple who already had enough on their plates. Kelly - not so much. She was sickly for much of her first year, puking up everywhere and crying incessantly. We were paying the price for the good luck the first time around.

Kelly would grow out of that illness and crying period quickly the following summer, and would go on to be a wonderful, happy, care-free joy to be around for anyone who knew her. Well, maybe except for the whole pulling-out of her sister's hair episode. She remains that lovable way to this day. But as for that first year? Well, for the sake of the love that I have for her today, I'll pass on further commentary.

I began to get a little more responsibility in my job at First Pennsylvania Bank as well. In those days my work mostly consisted still of duties as a Messenger Clerk, and I was also getting involved in bond reconciliation and cremation procedures. It wasn't much, but for a kid who was still a teenager it was good, steady work with a small but livable paycheck. Most importantly for my young family, the job came with a good health care plan.

In the spring of 1981 an old friend from my Two Street neighborhood who also was working for the bank, Bob Bergmann, got me started in a venture that would change my life. Bob remembered me as a good ballplayer as a kid, and so he recruited me for a men's softball team for which he was playing in the bank's large intra-mural program.

I joined up with the team called the Pirates managed by the head of the bank's mailroom, Rich Quick. The team had a couple of strong hitting stars in a big lefty 1st baseman named John Dunn and a fast, strong, young outfielder named Fran Mehaffey. We were expected to contend, but fell short of those expectations. The personalities on the team never seemed to mesh, but the experience did get me back into athletics on an adult level and would expose me to my future as a ballplayer.

The fall after that season was finished, I was approached by a man from another area of our Trust Department by the name of Ed Markowski. Ed had been around the bank for a long time at that point, and was the head of a team known as 'Pennamco' which was usually a .500 team in the bank league and which had a large number of older players.

Their team was trying to get younger, and Ed recruited me, as well as a number of other younger guys, to play for them the following season. I hadn't been real happy with the Pirates experience, but loved playing again, and so I joined Ed's team. We would eventually go on to become the Brewers softball team, and the rest is a history that you will read in future months.

Out in the real world at large, 1981 saw the changeover from the national malaise of the Jimmy Carter years to the new hope of the Ronald Reagan presidency. As I have said before, I was a card-carrying fully indoctrinated liberal Democrat at the time who thought that Carter was a brilliant man and that Reagan was a dunce. I couldn't understand how the country had voted him in to office. How time would prove me wrong.

Reagan was sworn-in to office on January 20th as the 40th President of the United States. Just minutes later, Iranian officials released the 52 American hostages which they had been holding captive in that country for more than a year since a militant Islamic regime had taken power, ending what had become known as the 'Iran Hostage Crisis'.

A week later the entire Philadelphia region was abuzz as for the very first time our own Philadelphia Eagles had advanced to play in the Super Bowl. On January 11th, the Birds had sent the rival Dallas Cowboys packing with a thrilling 20-7 victory in the NFC Championship game. Under their brilliant young, driven head coach Dick Vermiel, the Eagles were led by quarterback Ron Jaworski, running back Wilbert Montgomery, veteran wide receiver Harold Carmichael, and a tenacious defense led by linebacker Bill Bergey.

The Eagles went into the Super Bowl as the favorites against the AFC's Oakland Raiders. I remember the exciting buildup to the game both in the local media and among my own young circle of friends. We planned a big Super Bowl party that Sunday to match the bash we had enjoyed just months earlier when the Phillies won the World Series. A keg of beer was on ice in my kitchen, food was brought by all of the group, and the party was just getting ready to start.

It all came crashing down really, really fast, for both myself and the Eagles. A short time before the game was to begin, I got a phone call from my step-grandmother Kay. She was telling me that my grandfather Ray, the man who I grew up knowing simply as 'Pop' and who lived just a half block from my apartment, was having some physical problems.

I quickly left the apartment and the party and went to Pop's house, and found him there mostly unresponsive. At Kay's direction and with her help, we loaded him in to Pop's car and I drove to the hospital. It was here in a hospital E/R where my grandfather was being diagnosed with and eventually treated for what turned out to be a stroke that I watched the Super Bowl.

By the time that we got Pop checked-in and I had a chance to check a TV for an Eagles update, the rout was on. The Raiders had scored two early touchdowns on passes from veteran quarterback Jim Plunkett who would go on to be named the MVP as the Raiders became the first NFL Wildcard team to win a Super Bowl in what ended up as a 27-10 Oakland romp.

Pop ended up recovering from that stroke and he lived for more than another decade. He was a great guy who was very close to my family while I was growing up, never living more than a block away from my mom. She was sick at the time, and he took on a lot of her care in the 1970's and into those early 1980's before I took over that role. It's after him that I wanted to be called 'Pop' by my own grandkids when Elysia was born in 2002, and so I am.

Despite the Eagles upset in the Super Bowl, this was a time of unparalleled cumulative success for Philadelphia pro sports teams. Within the same calendar year of 1980-81, the Phillies, Eagles, Flyers and 76ers all appeared in their respective title games or series. The Phillies would win that 1980 World Series, the Flyers won Stanley Cups in 1974 and 1975. The Eagles won that 1981 NFL Championship game, and the Sixers would go on to win the 1983 NBA Finals. It was the only way that I really knew. I thought we were supposed to always win like that. I would learn differently soon enough.

On March 6th of 1981, iconic CBS news anchor Walter Cronkite signed off the air following his final news broadcast. In those pre-cable days, network news anchors were considered the kings of the news media, and none was bigger or more popular at that time than Cronkite. He had been guiding the country through difficult news times for decades, including the Kennedy assasination. He signed off just before nearly having to repeat that terrible broadcast.

On March 20th, President Ronald Reagan stepped out of the Washington Hilton Hotel where he had delivered a morning speech and moved towards the open door of his waiting limo. With a full phalanx of Secret Service officers around, a lone gunman suddenly rushed forward and shot Reagan at point-blank range. Though he was seriously injured, his lung collapsed, and he nearly died, Reagan recovered relatively quickly.

Press Secretary James Brady was not so lucky. Also shot during the hail of bullets, Brady had been struck in the head. He became permanently disabled, and the shooting would lead to the various measures and efforts to restrict handgun access and violence. The would-be assassin, John Hinckley Jr, had been obsessed with actress Jodie Foster, and claimed that the shooting was in part inspired by her role in the film 'Taxi Driver' and to gain her attention.

On April 12th, the United States moved into a new era in space exploration with the launch of the first-ever Space Shuttle. The shuttle 'Columbia' lifted off on the 20th anniversary of the first human space flight, moving America back into space after almost a decade away.

On May 13th, the danger for world leaders reared it's ugly head once again as a Muslim assassin shot the wildly popular Pope John Paul II at close range in St. Peter's Square. The Pope would go on to recover from his injuries as Reagan had, and eventually would both meet with and forgive his would-be Turkish assassin, Mehmet Ali Agca.

On June 5th in Los Angeles, five homosexual men were reported by the Centers for Disease and Control as having a rare pneumonia-like illness that had seriously compromised their immune systems. The men became the first officially recognized cases and victims of AIDS.

A week later, on June 12th, Major League Baseball players began a strike that would cancel almost 40% of the regular season schedule and eventually result in the first and only split-season format in MLB history. Nine days later, Wayne Williams was arrested in Atlanta. He would be eventually charged in the murder of 30 people in what was known as the 'Atlanta child murders'.

The eventful year continued when on July 7th, President Reagan nominated the first-ever woman for service on the Supreme Court of the United States. Sandra Day O'Connor would eventually be confirmed and serve on the highest court in the land for a quarter century. On July 27th, a young boy, Adam Walsh, was kidnapped from a Sears store in Florida. His murder would spur his father to eventually form the 'America's Most Wanted' program.

Two days after Walsh's disappearance, most of the world was focused on the massive, ornate celebration of the wedding to end all weddings. On July 29th in England, Lady Diana Spencer married Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince Charles, in front of a worldwide television audience.

1981 has already given us enough of note? Not so fast. On August 1st, the now-legendary and iconic vision of the astronaut planting a flag on the moon appeared across cable services for the very first time to herald the launch of MTV, the Music Television Network. Two days later, the nation's air traffic controllers would go on strike. Two days after that, President Reagan fired all 11,359 of them in the greatest labor-busting move in U.S. history.

The 2nd half of the year seemed to slow things down from the explosiveness of the first half, but it did serve to supply one major end-of-an-era moment. On December 11th, boxing legend Muhammad Ali stepped in to the ring and fought against Jamaican-Canadian heavyweight champion Trevor Berbick. Berbick had lost a hard-fought 15-round decision to champion Larry Holmes months earlier, and on this night he dispatched the great Ali in what would prove to be the final fight in the career of the man simply known as 'The Greatest'.

1981 was a year of fighting on many fronts. Fighting through barriers, fighting through disaster, fighting through change on numerous fronts. The 1980's were now fully underway with Reagan in the White House, Pope John Paul II in the Vatican, the Cold War coming to a head, radical Islam beginning it's march, the Space Shuttle program launched, and both MTV and CNN changing how we view it all.

BORN 1981: Kelly Veasey, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Serena Williams, Justin Timberlake, Beyonce Knowles, Natalie Portman, Jessica Alba, Josh Groban, Eli Manning, Jennifer Hudson, Howie Day, Elijah Wood, Julia Stiles, Hayden Christensen, Justin Morneau, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Anna Kournikova, Jake Peavy, Adriana Lima, Roger Federer, Carl Crawford, Tila Tequila, Ivanka Trump, Barbara & Jenna Bush, Natasha Bedingfield, Amy Lee

DIED 1981: Bill Haley, Natalie Wood, Richard Boone, Joe Louis, Bobby Sands, Bob Marley, George Jessel, Harry Chapin, Adam Walsh, Paddy Chayefsky, Lowell Thomas, Anwar Sadat, Moshe Dayan, Edith Head, William Holden, Jack Albertson, Hoagy Carmichael

Silly Haikus With Slice of Celebrity Gossip

Every now and then, a circuit trips. A glitch in the well-oiled machine. We interrupt this celebrity politics blog for a quick trip to the gas pump and massive replenishing of the wallet. In the meantime, enjoy my mental breakdown.

Good gawd, look at you
Somebody finally snapped
Blue is your color

No idea whether this facockte shockwave will load in your browser. Thrown in for good measure. Cheers!

Hey girlfriend, you rock
Kiss kiss. Paris sends regrets
That's so yesterday




Let the Sunshine in
Oh wait, she walked out the door
You can still save face



Sadly, after three years of dating and less than eight weeks of marriage, SNL alum Chris Kattan and model Sunshine Tutt are on a hard break. Can they find a way back to happily ever after? Guess it's back to the salt mines.

Ellen DeGeneres to Wed, Jackson Browne Seeing Red, and Lindsay Sharing Bed

You clamoured for mundane celebrity gossip and we're going to give it to you. Another edition of The Weekly Wrap of Crap.

McCain and the RNC finally went too far. Musician Jackson Browne is the latest aggrieved celebrity with a beef against the Senator from Arizona. Browne joins an ever expanding list of celebrities with copyright infringement claims against McCain and the Republican Party, including Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Paris Hilton, ABBA, and John Mellencamp. Ohio RNC chairman Robert Bennett pulled the ad after Browne filed suit in L.A. U.S. District Court.

Contrary to persistent rumors, Madonna is not adopting another child. Or maybe she is. We're so confused. Madonna's rep Liz Rosenberg has been known to issue misleading news in the past.

Ben Stiller continues to battle backlash against his latest film Tropic Thunder. But not for the reasons most people suspect. Apparently, Stiller is an equal opportunity offender, placing Caucasian actor Robert Downey, Jr. in black face, and repeatedly using the "r" word to refer to developmentally challenged children.

BET debuts a cross between Keith Olbermann and Bill Maher with a black perspective this Friday at 11 p.m. Entertainment news program The Truth With Jeff Johnson is the latest entry in the political entertainment genre.

It's wedding bells for DeGeneres and de Rossi. Popular talk show host Ellen DeGeneres and fiance Portia de Rossi plan to wed in a same-sex ceremony this weekend.

Get a chance to see what life looks like through the eyes of a famous celebrity. A-list stars donated their eyeglasses for an eBay charity auction benefiting Sightsavers International. Bidding ends on August 24th. Money from the auction will fund the work of the international blindness charity in 33 countries across Africa, Asia and the Caribbean to prevent and cure blindness and support people who are permanently blind or visually impaired. Former spectacle owners include Sir Michael Caine, designer Bruce Oldfield, George Michael, and Ewan McGregor.

Elizabeth Edwards is reportedly anguished over husband John's admitted affair with a campaign aide. Edwards was "unprepared for the amount of disgust and how swiftly everything else he had done in his career would be wiped away, and ... really reeling from that and afraid what it will do to their legacy as a couple and what their children will inherit." Maybe Edwards should have considered the scum sucking fallout before hopping into bed with a flooze.

Check out the "Celebs to Watch Out For" list. Paparazzi, you've been warned.

It's official. Lindsay Lohan confirms sharing a bed with lover Samantha Ronson. Lohan hasn't been with a man since the two started dating. Reportedly Sam has a real calming effect on the former wild child and the two are inseparable. Any relationship helping Lindsay tone down her hard partying ways is a big plus in my eyes.

Weight loss stories sell magazines. Just ask actress Jennifer Love Hewitt. After admonishing the tabloids for shining the spotlight on her cellulite, she encouraged women to be proud of their own bodies whatever shape or size. Now the star of Ghost Whisperer announces dropping 18 pounds in 10 weeks. "I am in a pretty good workout regimen that I like, so it inspired me to keep it up," Hewitt told US Magazine. Her trainer claims she didn't drop the weight to look good in a dress but failed to offer any other plausible motivation.

Paris Hilton is Like, Totally Running for President

In the Bizarro Celebolitics World, politicians imagine themselves pitted in a race for president against "the biggest celebrity in the world." They use celebrity star power to raise money for campaigns and raise the specter of TV comedy sketches as rebuttal in a nationally televised primary debate.

In the Bizarro Celebolitics World, celebrities stump campaign trails on behalf of their favorite political candidate. They chuck movie star lives to run for political office, sometimes reaching the highest echelons of American government.

And sometimes they're unwillingly interjected into a race for president. But today, in the Bizzaro Celebolitics World, Paris Hilton shows everyone how to fight back.

By running for president, silly. No really, she's like, totally running for president. The "old wrinkly white haired dude" stuck her in a campaign ad without asking, "Mother May I," so she's retaliating by throwing her tiara into the ring.

"I'll see you at the debates, b**ches," taunts Paris in this newly released video.

Not if we see her first.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Note: Embedding doesn't seem to work with this video. If the problem doesn't correct itself, you can view the Paris farce here.


Okay, "that's hot" Paris isn't actually running for president, but this is the Bizarro Celebolitics World, remember? Where celebrities get to spout simple solutions to America's looming energy crisis and paint the White House pink. Get with the program.

What a difference a year makes. Just last summer, Sarah Silverman famously lampooned the party hopping celebutante at the MTV Movie Awards. Paris then became the talk of the town for getting her bologna sandwiches from the inside of a jail cell. Larry King was the only notable talent who would bite at her lame DUI story. Honestly, the poor creature vapidly morphed into a pathetic shell of her former self, disinherited by her famous grandpappy, hounded by the paparazzi and mainstream media...

And then Britney came along.

I thought the Bizarro Celebolitics World couldn't get any more freakish, but then remembered this jewel of foreshadow stowed away in my treasure trove.

WARNING: Video contains language unsuitable for children under age 13. Content rated PG-13. Continue viewing with explicit acknowledgement of having read and understood this warning.

If that's not the most bizarre development in this convoluted evolution of Paris, I'll eat my bippy with a cherry on top.

Civil Rights Record Haunts John McCain

There's been a lot of verbal sparring between presumptive nominees Senators Barack Obama and John McCain. Disingenuous assurances to run a positive campaign. Race card baiting. Inaccurate summation of campaign stumping. The list goes on.

Socialite hotel goddess Kathy Hilton jumped into the fray, blasting McCain for comparing Obama to her daughter Paris and criticizing the controversial campaign ad as "a complete waste of the country's time and attention at the very moment when millions of people are losing their homes and their jobs."

At first glance, one might think Hilton slammed McCain for making precious Paris look like a meaningless ditz. And you'd be right.

But there's more to this sizzle than meets the eye. Ticking off influential campaign supporters doesn't speak well for McCain's decision making capabilities. After all, he's John McCain and he approved that message. I mean, if McCain is so deadset on alienating voters, doesn't it make sense to anger those he's already lost?

People like, say, civil rights advocates?

Those voters may never forgive his initial opposition to a national holiday honoring slain civil rights hero Dr. Martin Luther King. Believe it or not, certain members of Congress tried to kill the proposal. To his credit, McCain has since admitted the error of his ways, doing a complete 180. A guy is entitled to change his mind, right? Certainly, Senator Obama changes his mind about important issues all the time.

But then why at a recent Florida press conference did McCain actively portray himself as a champion of civil rights?

Love how this article shows the presumptive Republican nominee stumbling and bumbling on a simple two-part inquiry. Radio talk show hosts have played rambling Obama outtakes in an effort to make the presumptive Democrat nominee sound like a brain-addled ninny. It's good to see the shoe on another foot for a change.

Note to self: Talk show hosts make themselves look the fool by ridiculing Obama's oratory skills while ignoring their good 'ol boy in the White House.

But getting back to the ethical side of this election, if John McCain is so all fired honorable, shouldn't he publicly acknowledge a long history of civil rights opposition? He's more like a braying donkey dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century than a champion of civil rights. And if there's anything I hate more than unethical politicians, it's two-faced politicians bathing themselves in a fictional light.

Look, I get it. McCain wants this side of his legislative record to be veiwed as a relic of the past. And who knows? I might be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt down the road.

Just as soon as Republicans forgive and forget the relic past of Barack Obama.

Dueling McCain and Obama Ads Knock Out Media

The latest development on the campaign trail is too good to be true. Presumptive Republican nominee John McCain managed to take the meaning of the term "celebrity politics" to a whole new level.

Gentlemen, to your corners. Everybody ready? Okay, then. Let's get ready to rummmmm-bbbbble (are you ready for this).

... doo do da de de doo doo, doo do da de de do do ...

In this corner, weighing in at a svelte 170 pounds, America's favorite former POW, John Mc-Cain!

And in this corner, down to the slim trim fighting weight of 198 pounds," the biggest celebrity in the world," Ba-rack O-ba-ma!

Say hello to our panel of judges, everyone. A media so concerned with making talking points, they've turned on themselves. Talk about lack of substance in a campaign, don't be surprised if our judges go down for the count.

...and the colored girl goes, do dah do dah do dah do de oh, do dah do dah do dah do de oh. Hey girl, come and walk on the wild side...

Not meaning any disrespect, but can't help myself. The McCain ad portraying Obama as a vapid celebutante is hilarious. Who ever thought a serious political candidate would use images of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton in an attack? Are McCain's campaign advisors not aware of Britney's recent comeback makeover? I mean, the girl hasn't run over any paparazzi or crashed her car in months.

Sure hope they cleared the use of her image through proper channels. Ditto for Paris Hilton. I doubt either one would allow use of their images gratis.

FYI, Britney's temporary conservatorship is back in court today. She'd be crazy to cut ties with her father seeing how he's apparently turned her life around. But then Brit isn't known for her keen intellect.

Do you think McCain is trying to make that kind of comparison with Obama? Because if so, it's not going to fly. Harvard Law Review Editor, fellows. Only black man in the U.S. Senate. Best-selling book author. Co-sponsor of important transparency in government legislation. Come on, give the man his due. He's very intelligent. Has to be with that list of accomplishments.

Obama's summary dismissal of McCain's charges also made me chuckle. If his ad runs a month from now, no one will know what he's talking about. Then again, maybe his campaign intended a generic rebuttal. That way he can run the ad at any time to any charges levied against him and look like he's paying attention.

What I like about Obama's rebuttal is that it finally highlights his energy policies, a decisive factor for me in this campaign. Obama is shooting for the moon when it comes to energy. If he can successfully hit the target, it will be Camelot the sequel.

McCain's ad says nothing about the man McCain, nor what he intends to do as president. It's also somewhat deceptive. Obama's energy policies are not reliant upon an increase in foreign oil. At the very least, the McCain camp could get their facts straight.

Ooooo. And there he goes down for the count. The crowd goes wild. Can the war hero recover? I don't know, Sheilah, it looks like there's blood dripping down his chin. But then McCain comes from tougher stock than that, just take a look at the man's mother. There she is in the front row yelling at him to get off the floor. Wait. I see a muscle twitch. He's getting back up. Thank heavens -- ding ding ding -- saved by the bell.

2008 MTV Movie Awards Denies Free Access to Bleachers

As much as everyone enjoyed yesterday's MTV Movie Awards, I'm going on the record with a big fat "Bleh." Not because of the show itself but because of the people who ran it.

Should have known it was a bad omen when I couldn't rouse the girls at 8:00 a.m. We were supposed to cruise Malibu, drive back to The Hollywood Walk of Fame, maybe catch the Kodak Theater, then make our way to the Gibson Amphitheater in Universal City for the 2008 MTV Movie Awards. Ambitious, certainly, but potentially doable. All we wanted were spots in the bleachers, you know, to ogle arriving celebrities. Then we would make our way back to Beverly Woods. A nice last day to cap off a memorable trip to el Lay.

Instead, we wound up skipping Malibu. I gave the girls a choice, sleep in or Malibu. They chose sleep. Having a wild and crazy Saturday night and traipsing in at 6:00 a.m. can do that to a person, you know, clouding one's judgment. At least they couldn't blame me for the change in plans.

But then, life started to become very weird. Of all days to deal with the catastrophic, Universal Studios caught fire. A big back lot explosion -- there's still fire engines parked out there. Channel 2 news staked out the entrance all day.

So, you can imagine what our hosts and friends tried to do when we told them about our plans. Warn us away. Do not try to attend this award show, it will be a traffic disaster. Regretfully, I would not be deterred. Let's face it, an opportunity like this might never happen again.

We parked the rental at Highland and Hollywood, putting The Walk of Fame and whatnot on hold until mission accomplished in Universal City, a dubious conquest at best. Our trek on the redline continued a bad streak of luck. We got off at the wrong stop, not because of stupidity, but because my friend advised to ride to the end. Wrong. The girls admonished me for sticking to that plan. Clearly, the stop before was the one for Universal City. How did they know? It was the name of the stop.

Beautiful mosaics fill the correct train station

One of the few bright spots of the day was a very talented man with a guitar and a crooked smile who serenaded the platform as we waited for the next train. First time in twenty years I've dropped so much as a nickle into a guitar case. The guy wanted more, but all I had were five and ten dollar bills. I'm a pretty good tipper, but not that good. Saved by the approaching train, I told him he should play in a club and quickly disappeared.

Guitar player sings well, gets tips

Subway patrons enjoy underground guitar player

When we finally reached the outside of Universal Studios, so many people were lined up for a shuttle, I convinced the girls to walk to the top. Blunder numero whatever (I lost track), the hill was extremely steep. We journeyed at a snail's pace just to keep breathing, then finally reached the summit, but at a price. Our dignity. Sweating like pigs, I know I must have looked like crap. Can't speak for the girls, but they probably felt that way too. Let's just say I was overly under dressed. We only wanted to sit in the bleachers. What difference did it make if I looked like a bag lady?

I felt a smidgen of relief seeing the great steel Universal Studios ball, twirling on its axis, marking the entrance to the park. Tons of people milling about, waiting to get inside. Unfortunately, the fire had shut the place down. No one would be admitted to the rides. You should have heard the collective groans.

Universal Studios Theme Park is deserted due to explosive fire in California

Was the Gibson Amphitheater, site of the MTV Movie Awards, still accessible? A policeman told us it was, but couldn't say for certain if they were still accepting tickets. Tickets? You needed tickets to sit in bleachers and cheer celebrities as they walked by?

Apparently so. We sped down the City Walk and there they were, more frantic looking people angling for a coveted spot inside the show. Women totally dressed to the nines. The girls and I stuck out like sore thumbs. Even though the girls had dressed fairly tastefully, they were nowhere near as fancy as the crowd hoping to get "cast" for filler seats (yes, they actually called it being cast, if you can imagine having to play a part just to fill an empty chair).

We arrived in line for the show at approximately 1:30 p.m. At that point, they admitted maybe another twenty people. Then, they closed the gate and forced everyone who hadn't wangled a space inside to move out of the area. Harsh.

I couldn't even smooth talk a spot for my fairly decent looking girls. Scott, the guy in charge, would have none of it. Just trying to do my job, he whined. Yeah right, stick a sock in it, Scott. You should've let the girls into the show. I would've found my own way inside.

The theater wasn't accessible from the opposite entrance either. Not one to be shy, I asked the incredibly brutal female guard about possible admittance to the bleachers without a ticket. My bag lady motif must've raised a red flag because she took special care to emphasize the ticket requirement (forget about getting to the bleachers-- just to walk on the grounds required a ticket according to nasty), tickets that could not be bought at the box office or scalped. She also took it upon herself to alert all the gate guards about the ticket requirement, lest I try something sneaky like walking in empty handed.

"Let's go," my daughter complained. That girl throws in a the towel way too easily.

After all that time and effort, I would find a way in or die trying. They'd have to forcibly remove me from the premises to make me give in. "This way," I said, directing them back to where we started. They must have thought I was completely nuts, but I was leading the charge. They had no choice but to follow.

Then I saw my opening. An unguarded gate in between the other two dead ends. It must lead to the Gibson Amphitheater. I motioned the girls and told them to follow my lead. Look confident, like we belong, but walk separately. We'll be less easy to spot if we're not in a group. Don't hesitate. Don't ask any questions.

We easily slipped by whoever was in charge of that gate. Maybe no one was in charge. Now all we had to do was join the crowd inside and we were home free.

Easier said than done. My daughter became highly uncomfortable. She was certain we would get kicked out, leaving her to die of embarrassment. It still amazes me how she can get so embarrassed around people she doesn't know. I suppose one is either born with that kind of inner strength, or it comes with age. It certainly can't be taught. I told her to say we were coming back from the bathroom if someone stopped us, then took my place with the crowd.

You can probably guess what happened next. The girls hesitated, looking around for reassurance. The guards stopped them. When they couldn't produce wrist bands, they were kicked out. I, on the other hand, ingratiated myself to a bunch of beautiful and impeccably dressed fine young women who took pity upon me, shielding me from the unrelentingly evil guards. One actually made our group line up single file, then separated people with black wrist bands from our line. The group ahead of us didn't have to line up single file or separate into two wrist band groups. Maybe I was just paranoid, but I think they might have been trying to ferret me out.

My guardian angel ladies told me to stick with them. Then, they intimidated the hell out of the killjoy guard, calling her all kinds of names and getting catty. "Let us in, beeyotch, we've been standing here long enough," one screamed over her shoulder. Before the cat calls reached a fever pitch, the male guards waved us through.

Relief. Kind of.

I did not fit in with this crowd. At one point, some nervy girl excused herself, then proceeded to tell me "she thought" I was in the wrong line. What a bubble brain. "I'm with them," I answered, pointing to my guardian angels. When no one said any more, the bubble brain piped down.

Honestly, I wanted to go to the bleachers. But I couldn't ask a guard to put me there without giving away my dirty little secret. I was stuck with the well heeled and well dressed headed inside. Torn between the chance of a lifetime and the girls, I chose the show. I wish I hadn't. Oh, the girls told me it was fine, their friends would pick them up and they'd go do something else. I should have realized then that I wouldn't be able to enjoy the show. Really, it would be no fun unless they came with, but too excited about the opportunity to think like an adult, I forged ahead.

Yes, I had a good seat. An excellent free seat where I could do more than make out the shadows of celebrities. I could actually see their faces, read the teleprompter, and enjoy the show from the stage instead of monitors. But, there was little joy in Mudville.

The last series of guards made me toss my camera batteries. All I could get were cell phone shots. Big whoop.

Not the very front, but still a decent seat at The MTV Movie Awards

Truth is any minute, I figured the guards would snatch that away too.

Then, I lost my guardian angels. They were moved to seats in the front. I was happy for them, those beautiful angels deserved to mingle with celebrities. But I missed their cover. I couldn't take a chance with new people, so I kept to myself.

And then there was big cheese man, Scott. He must have spotted me in the crowd, despite my best efforts to blend. The twerp stationed a guard in my aisle (there were no guards in any other aisles -- believe me -- I checked) who made sure to glance my way every now and then just in case. In case what, I don't know. I suppose he felt the need to intimidate, but I wasn't feeling his need.

Oh yes, I did overhear too full of himself Scott mention to another guard about having a seat for one the minute I got up. As if. Sweetheart, I would have gone into bladder arrest rather than abandon that seat. At one point, I did get pretty thirsty, but stayed simply out of spite.

And still, the aisle guard maintained a watchful eye.

When the show ended, there was some outdoor party requiring yet another admission pass. I stood by a door to the outside protected by the first nice guard of the evening. Even though the door was shut tight, at least ten people must have asked if they could exit that way. The answer was always no until finally, some other guard threw open the floodgates. Then the yellow-shirted guards started to clear house. "Remove yourselves from the lobby."

Oh brother, here we go again.

Honestly, I don't think any of the guards knew what they were doing. Other than being obnoxiously rude and evil, they served no real purpose in life. The nice guard was a marine from Utah. At least he had a heart. I must have stood by the glass door for about twenty minutes while the theater emptied. Saw absolutely no one worth mentioning except Christian Siriano.

Figures, it was a guy from Baltimore.

Oh, and Paris Hilton holding onto Benji Madden for dear life. She wore some black and white number. Her hair looked very cute.

I snapped this shot of the invite only party from a peon exit, a place manned by a guard dressed in black. All around were finely dressed women who could not sweet talk an invite to the celebrity after-digs. I felt sorry for them. Hey, if I had been dressed better, I probably could have talked someone into letting me tag along. Anyway, I asked the black suited guard if it was okay to snap some pictures. The guy had no qualms whatsoever.

Wouldn't you know, the minute I was done, some snippy looking yellow-shirted guard made a point to drop by. Starts telling everyone to move along and clear out. Can you believe that? I have never been so harassed in my entire life, not even when protesting in front of Washington, D.C. park police.

Well dressed women told to clear out and move along

Just to prove my point, look what I found standing around on my way to the exit by way of the City Walk. Right around the dancing fountain. You would have thought someone was trying to steal state secrets. The park was pretty much empty. What were they expecting? A riot?

Uniformed police are called to guard the City Walk on the way out of Universal Studios

All I wanted was a spot in the bleachers.

Paris Visits An Orphanage and Gets Stinky

So showing off her big ugly bling, trashing her hotel room and making hot love to Benji isn't enough for Paris Hilton. Here she is staging a photo opp at some Russian orphanage. Well, at least she's coming through on that promise to Larry King. You know, the one to help make the world a better place after being released from jail.

Of course, handing out oversized homemade T-shirts and giving the place an infusion of cash doesn't make Paris Mother Theresa. Check out the faces on those orphans. No darlings, that smell is not your new T-shirts. Some blowhole must have ripped in the City of Love.

[Source]

Paris and Nicole Frenemy Feud Signals Lapses in Tabloid Journalism

First they were BFFs. Then they were mortal enemies. Next it was kiss kiss, make up. Then they seemed to be somewhat more tolerant of one another. But then one of them upped the ante by donating a gift to charity. And later it got plain ugly.

And now? Let's just say that one of them is starting to sound like a petulant 6-year old.

"She's copying me! She's copying me! If she gets pregnant with my boyfriend's twin brother, I'm going to go blooey!"

Oh my Lord, make it stop.

I know as well as anyone this story has very little to do with celebrity politics. It's pretty much a rehash of the same garbage you can find on all the other celebrity gossip sites. But, I cannot look away, I mean, come on, these two are grown-ups -- one of them already raising a child -- and their emotional development is so superficial and stagnant, it makes me want to pray for the next generation of celebrity train wrecks.

Stories like this sell magazines and online advertising better than anything I could ever splice together. I don't fault celebrity tabloids for making fluff like this headline news. My big complaint is about week after week story lines focusing on nothing else. How many times is Britney Spears going to be on the cover of OK! magazine? It's become sort of a running joke in my house every time the free subscription arrives.

"Guess who's on the cover of OK!? Okay, you guessed it." Next.

If tabloid journalists would do a better job of digging the dirt rather than constantly focusing on the bottom line, perhaps I'd be reading some real news in those glossies. No wonder their colleagues think of them as the Danny Bonaduces of journalism.

Get investigative. Plant some restaurant spies around Hollywood and Manhattan. Give me something juicy I can really dig my teeth into. For heavens sake, throw this Baltimore gal a meaty bone.

Perhaps it's because I only began spending my life on the Internet last summer that I missed the big news story about the Paris Hilton cell phone hack. Don't follow this link if you're easily offended by nudity and inappropriate language. Apparently, someone hacked into or figured out the easy password to Paris Hilton's cell phone, providing access to actual celebrity phone numbers, email accounts, and naughtily positioned photographs. The FBI began an investigation and then...well...because the tabloids lost interest, or more likely never bothered with the story in the first place, who knows?

I found this item while searching for information about a different celebrity news story. It no longer links to The Drudge Report which is a real shame given its news worthiness.

Celebrities Served 12.31.07

Not wanting to step on the toes of a more prominent site reporting celebrity justice, the following lesser known shorts were gleaned over the past week from a variety of sources:


CRIMINAL MATTERS

Mischa Barton was released on $10,000 bail after being busted for DUI, possession of a controlled substance and marijuana, and driving with a suspended license. Police pulled her over for driving in two lanes of traffic and failing to signal.

Amy Winehouse wants to recant her confession to possession of marijuana. A Norwegian court has summoned the chanteuse to appear on February 29, 2008. Winehouse has seen her share of legal problems over the past year. After her jailed husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, failed a drug test, authorities banned the couple from having personal contact during prison visits. Winehouse was later arrested for interfering with a police investigation.

Thieves stole expensive shoes and a personalized designer robe from Posh Spice a.k.a. Victoria Beckham. The singer is on a reunion tour with her former rock band, The Spice Girls.

Sugababe Amelle Berrabah’s boyfriend, Freddie Fuller, was the victim of a bizarre Christmas Eve machete attack. Police have arrested a 28-year old man on suspicion of attempted murder.

Party promoter, Apollo Holmes, is wanted on aggravated assault charges after brutally beating personal fitness trainer, Darius Miller, outside a Peachtree Street nightclub. Miller remains hospitalized in a coma.


CIVIL ACTIONS

An ex-girlfriend is suing NYPD Blue star, Esai Morales, for transmitting herpes through forcible sex. Lawyers for Elizabeth Mazzocchi say two other women have come forward with similar claims.

Radio broadcasters are livid over a bill working its way through Congress. Traditionally able to play music without paying associated performance fees, the bill would place radio stations on a level playing ground with other music media providers.

The "truth" hurts. Chuck Norris is suing Penguin publishers and author, Ian Spector, for a book he claims unfairly exploits his famous name.

Five children of the late James Brown are challenging their lack of inheritance. Doubts were cast on the validity of the famed singer's last will and testament after earlier drafts indicated conflicting intention.

A devoted "Trekkie" fan is suing Christie’s auction house, claiming a prop auctioned for $6,000.00 was fake. Calls to CBS Paramount were not immediately returned.

A lesser known musician is accusing Baby Shambles rocker, Pete Doherty, of stealing an original song without affording proper credit. We imagine the suit is about money, not fame, although the two sometimes do go hand in hand.

In other disputes concerning failure to authorize, Indie rock groups have filed a class action lawsuit against R.J. Reynolds Tobacco, magazine legend Rolling Stone, and Wenner Media. The bands claim they were not consulted about an illustrated spread which deceptively included advertisements for Camel cigarettes. A number of bands also want public apologies.

AND LOOK WHO'S GETTING OR IS FINALLY DIVORCED,

Dita Von Teese and Marilyn Manson
Valerie Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen
David Faustino and Andrea Faustino
Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn


CELEBRITY POLITICS

Brian McNamee and Roger Clemens may come to heads over testimony cited in the Mitchell Report. The controversial Report doesn’t stop with athlete outings. Entertainer, Carrot Top, was also cited for unusual body beefing.

Superstar, Will Smith, is angry over the backlash against his misinterpreted Hitler sympathies. For the record, Smith believes "Adolph Hitler was a vile, heinous vicious killer responsible for one of the greatest acts of evil committed on this planet."

Before airing The Pogues' "Fairytale of New York," Britain’s Radio One tried to dub the words "slut" and "faggot" from the 20-year old festive hit. After much public criticism, the song aired as intended.

In a bizarre ban indicative of political strong-arming, The Motion Picture Association of America rejected a movie poster design for Taxie to the Dark Side, a documentary exposing the U.S. government’s use of torture. The MPAA claimed the poster was unacceptable for the eyes of young children.

Poor Wesley Snipes has resorted to playing the race card in his tax evasion dispute. Listen, crybaby, we like your films, but you’ll never get ahead in this world if you keep blaming everything on the color of your skin. The truth will win out in court, and if not, cough up the money and move on.

The White Rose Coalition, a group of anti-war activists who count Cindy Sheehan among its members, is planning a pre-parade demonstration in Pasadena tomorrow. The planned site of the 119th Annual Tournament of Roses Parade is calling for added police protection.

British Airways suffered some political backlash after allowing the minor son of celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsey, to travel on an invalid passport. Other passengers/customers are crying a preferential treatment foul.

One of our favorite actresses, Julia Roberts, spent $30million transforming her personal residence into a lean green eco-efficient machine. Julia became more environmentally conscious after having children. If you've got it, at least flaunt it on something worthwhile.

The Pope denounced Nicole Kidman’s new movie The Golden Compass. Maybe that accounts for the film's tepid earnings at the box office. When The Vatican speaks, the faithful listen.

Private corporation, Clear Channel Outdoor, is teaming with the FBI to display digital "wanted posters." The company operates over 167,000 advertising displays in the U.S.

In crossover news, supermodel, Naomi Campbell, is doing her part to improve humanitarian conditions in Cuba. The British babe turned political reporter plans to interview Fidel Castro during her tour.


CELEBRITY CAUSES

Ever hear of reverse charity? Managers of popular pop duo, The Veronicas, refused to refund a $17,500 booking deposit for a cancelled benefit concert. The proceeds were meant for the family of a boy suffering from brain cancer.

Spencer Pratt of The Hills fame, and actresses Jennifer Love Hewitt and Melissa Joan Hart served Christmas dinner to the homeless at the L.A. Mission.

Singer, Morrissey, donated 20,000 pounds to help restore a youth club immortalized in a song by his former band, The Smiths.

Steven Spielberg and Henry Winkler enlisted the assistance of top talent for the 2007 Home for the Holidays charitable event. This year’s event raised awareness of foster care.

Country legend, Willie Nelson, donated $40K to the town of Vancouver, Washington. The singer wanted to assist special projects in the "town who knew him before he was famous."

Barron Hilton, grandfather of socialite, Paris Hilton, has decided to place the bulk of the Hilton Hotel fortune in a charitable trust benefitting The Conrad N. Hilton Foundation. The foundation supports projects providing clean water in Africa, education for blind children, and housing for the mentally ill.

R&B star, John Legend, knows how to give back. The singer returned home to perform in a "Coming Home Christmas Benefit Concert." Proceeds will fund The Jason Collier Memorial Scholarship Fund.

Corporate retailer, H&M, is teaming up with pop singer, Rihanna and other celebrities to raise money for HIV/Aids.

Wishing all of our readers a very Happy and Healthy New Year!

Celebrities Served 12.24.07

So many prominent sites report legal and political news about celebrities. Not wanting to merely duplicate, the following lesser known shorts were gleaned over the past week from a variety of sources:

CRIMINAL MATTERS

Former Secret Life of Us star, Samuel Johnson, was released on good behavior after narrowly escaping assault charges for punching and stomping a man’s head in a casino.

In Auburn, Georgia, ex-NBA All-Star, Charles Oakley, was stopped while driving erratically and arrested for unsafe driving and impaired driving. The former forward, who had played for such teams as the New York Knicks and Chicago Bulls, claimed he was lost.

An arrest has been made in the death of aspiring porn model and student, Emily Sander.

Formula One race ace, Lewis Hamilton, was fined and had his driving license suspended after being caught driving at almost 200kph on a French motorway. The hot bachelor has been linked to supermodel, Naomi Campbell, and Pussycat Dolls singer, Nicole Scherzinger.

Philidelphia news anchor, Alycia Lane, was arrested after allegedly punching a plainclothes female New York City police officer in the face and calling her a dyke.

Rapper Remy Smith, a.k.a Remy Ma, won’t be traveling abroad any time soon. A judge refused the performer’s request to headline a European tour due to serious pending criminal charges.

However, a Florida U.S. District Court Judge granted Wesley Snipes’ request to travel abroad for the holiday. Snipes faces charges for tax fraud. His trial is due to begin in mid-January, 2008.

Paris Hilton was named Celebrity with the Biggest Brush with the Law in 2007.
This article may have published far too soon as Amy Winehouse remains a formidable contender.


CIVIL SUITS

Facing increased competition from rivals Blockbuster and NetFlix,
Movie Gallery, Inc. filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy relief. The chain which operates Hollywood Video, Movie Gallery, and Game Crazy, hopes to emerge from court protection in early 2008.

Putting his money where his mouth is, Tony Parker filed a $40 million lawsuit against the gossip site, X17 Online, for publishing a story about his alleged affair with French model, Alexandra Paressant. Parker vigorously denies the two had sex in a hotel about a month after his expensive wedding to Desperate Housewives star, Eva Longoria.

Dolly Parton’s brother, Randy, was barred from performing in the theatre bearing his name. The singer and local city council are embroiled in a breach of contract dispute.

For the second time, Phil Spector sued his ex-attorney, Robert Shapiro, and Shapiro’s law firm to recoup legal fees and other damages. The embattled music producer, who will be retried on murder charges later next year, claims Shapiro’s shoddy work caused prosecutors to file formal charges.

Goth musician, Marilyn Manson, is counter-suing former bandmate, Stephen Bier, Jr., a.k.a. Madonna Wayne Gacy. The suit claims general and special damages as well as a gag order.

A judge dismissed World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc.’s lawsuit against JAKKS Pacific, Inc. and related entities. The WWE had claimed antitrust and federal RICO violations. The dismissal effectively ended any possible pursuit of state law claims.

Reports of Britney’s impending marriage to Sam Lufti have so infuriated her ex, Kevin Federline, that Federline is reportedly seeking a restraining order. With 16-year old ex-sister-in-law Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy news, and Brit’s almost daily exploiots, the Spears family has become a veritable three-ring media circus.


CELEBRITY CAUSES

Paris Hilton’s mom, Kathy, raised money from other celebs to support the Make A Wish Foundation.

Nick Lachey and NASCAR star, Jimmie Johnson, recently formed the "Super Skins Celebrity Golf Classic," a charity event scheduled around the time of the Super Bowl in Scottsdale Arizona. Nick pitched in $125,000.00 of his own money to jump start the event.

Andy Roddick and John MacEnroe played tennis to benefit children with cancer.

Brad Pitt has put his movie career on hold to rebuild New Orleans. The sexy movie star, his companion, Angelina Jolie, and their four children have temporarily relocated to help former Louisiana residents reclaim blighted areas.

Want to know which celebrities are the most charitable and the causes they support?
CTV has published a list detailing generous acts of kindness among the Hollywood elite.


CELEBRITY POLITICS

Alison Jackson's celebrity look-alike photographs continue to irk their targets. Jackson’s politically incorrect images tend to capture the attention of people who are unable to differentiate between the real celebrity and the imposter.

The Dixie Chicks, subject of the popular documentary, Shut Up and Sing are back in the political spotlight. Lead singer, Natalie Maines, attended a rally and performed at a concert supporting the "West Memphis Three." Many believe the police railroaded the three teens into confessing to the sexual assault and murder of three 8-year old boys.

The Mitchell Report targeted athletes for steroid use, but let the Commissioner of Major League Baseball, Bud Selig, off the hook.

Mommy bloggers and celebrity glitterati continue to pound Oprah Winfrey for publicly endorsing and campaigning on behalf of Senator Barak Obama.

Basketball legend, Earvin "Magic" Johnson, hit the campaign trail with Bill Clinton to stump for Senator Hillary Clinton.

Musician and rock star legend, Bruce Springstein, ended his first UK show of 2007 by criticizing U.S. politics.

Shock jock, Don Imus, who only recently returned to the airwaves after making politically offensive statements about the Rutgers Womens Basketball team, kicked back at news anchor, Tom Brokow, saying he wouldn’t want him covering his back in a foxhole.

Irish pop star, Chris De Burgh, will be first Western artist to perform in Iran since the 1979 revolution.

Floyd Red Crow Westerman, an American Indian activist, actor and folk singer who appeared in Dances with Wolves and performed with Willie Nelson and other musicians, died at the age of 71. He was a survivor and symbol of U.S. government oppression of Native American Indians.

Nobody Cares on November 26, 2007

Dishes piled sky high in the sink, headed back to the dentist chair today, the guinea pig is on hospice watch, dirty clothing litters the laundry room floor, another funeral at 1:00 p.m., this month's whopping credit card bill came due, but ... nobody cares. Likewise this drivel culled from cyberspace:

1. Those fabulous pearly whites. An outdoor café setting. Someone deciding to satisfy a craving for nourishment. Why, it’s ... [more]

2. Showing once again that any cumtwat can satisfy a desperate need for attention by sending blind e-mail items to big name bloggers willing to package demented neuroses as news ... [more]

3. Fake sibs who play together stay together while toting over sized designer handbags up, down, and all around town ... [more]

4. This must be what Victoria Beckham meant when she explained how too many copycats inspired her sudden switch to brown hair ... [more]

5. Be careful what you wish for. An early primary election may interfere with your local holiday consumer frenzy and/or television viewing pleasure ... [more]

6. Put a sock in it, John. If Washington, D.C. is the devil’s playground, why are you trying so hard to snag a prime spot in the sandbox? [more]

7. Terrorists killing more terrorists. So far away and yet so relevant. Eh, who am I kidding? Nobody cares. [more]

Politicelebritopia Roundup for November 19, 2007

The line separating politicians and celebrities so often becomes blurred. Mongrel spawn litter the planet as they cross each others' realms. Roundup from this past week includes:

1. Former Vice President and Nobel Peace Prize laureate Al Gore accepts the Founders Award from the International Emmys in New York City tonight. His trophy case must be getting mighty crowded...[more]

2. After six months of random testing and community service, prosecutors dropped misdemeanor marijuana charges against Anna Nicole celebrity judge, Lawrence Korda...[more]

3. U2 activist Bono gives a tell all interview in Rolling Stone magazine. Wasn't Bono one of the original movers and shakers of the politicelebritopia movement...[more]

4. Former Soviet Union leader Mikhail Gorbachev now shills for Louis Vuitton. Guess the economy's not so great in Russia either...[more]

5. Analysts are back to ranking candidate follicles to determine lead indicators in election 2008...[more]

6. Speaking of the 2008 election, Jackson Browne offered his expertise in woman bullying to the John Edwards campaign...[more]

7. Meanwhile, Edwards is too busy picketing NBC than to care about lackluster support on his own campaign trail...[more]

8. Last, but not least, Paris Hilton practiced bump and grind defense and public speaking in preparation for her delayed mission to Rwanda...[more]

That concludes this week's issue of Bastard Child. Tune in again for more mongrel spawn from around the globe.

Mika Brzezinski is My New Hero

Way to go, Mika! Hold firm to your journalistic integrity. Shred and burn if it makes you feel good. Don't let those workplace bullies run ramshod over you. Wench? I think not.

We all know Paris was overdone. Just because you checked out on camera doesn't make you wrong. Every cerebral person in the world had already beat you to the punch. MSNBC was just too money grubby to care.

This imbed is dedicated to Mika. Long may your tube live in eclat.

Ratings Spike for Larry King Live

I have nothing against Larry King Live. On second thought, the image of Larry liplocked with the late great Marlon Brando vaguely reminds me of naked Borat and the fat man. Ech. Yech. Ptoo.

Number one cable ratings. Not too shabby, Paris. Perhaps Barbara Walters was wrong to pass on your jailhouse release ramble. On second thought...

Kudos to Bill McCuddy, Fox News entertainment reporter, for giving me my LMAOMoment of the day. He succinctly dubbed the interview "Punxatawney Paris." The news gophers flash their cameras and everyone goes home. Kinda like this who cares event .

Then again, I would have hung around to dance the Pennsylvania Polka .

You Know Who Released from Jail

Do I have to name names? By now everyone in the Northern Hemisphere and select parts of Europe know that Paris is no longer under siege. Hoo-ah!

I'm ashamed to admit my own participation in this guilty little pleasure. She's blonde. She's hot. She's eye-candy. Seemingly clueless. She's fluff. There's internet pictures of her with no underwear (I swear, I only looked for a second, then became completely flabbergasted and moved on, honestly, I did).

Why are we all so fascinated?

I can't help feeling slightly sorry for this woman. Contrary to popular belief, "richyoungandbeautiful" is not the end all be all. Paparazzi and intrusive fans pester her wherever she goes. I'll bet she can't even walk into a grocery store without people gaping and snapping their cell phones (then again, she can send Jeeves out to buy a quart of milk, no?). And what about Sarah Silverman's diatribe at the 2007 MTV Awards?I don't know when it became fashionable to skewer down and out celebutauntes perched in your own audience, but the sheer humiliation must have been unbearable. I surely would have burst into tears and run for cover. Snarky Jack Nicholson and Eva Mendes couldn't have made life any easier.

The simple life? No thank you. The grass is just fine over here.

Click to see Spewed Videos du Jour.