Save the Cheerleader, Save the World from Hottest Tots and Celebrity Couples

Forbes' Hottest Hollywood Tots is such a crock of publicity horse cocky, I want to steam myself under a hot shower for the next fifteen minutes just to loosen the dibbles.

Joel McHale said exactly what was on my mind - why in the world is Forbes magazine venturing into the world of celebrity fluffaby? Did editors throw the financial sector overboard now that America is knee deep in meltdown economics?

"Oh, we can't break even publishing financial pontifications. Let's add a celebrity toddlers hot or not contest. That'll bring in people clicking like mad."

You'd better believe I'm mad, uptight and mad's more like it. Mad that I had to click through five crappy millileters each time I wanted more information about the listed tots. Boy, Forbes' stuff must really be in the toilet to milk so much out of celebrity gossip.

So I'm ending the shennanigans right now by printing their ridiculous exercise in self-preservation, saving you, dear reader, the torture of suffering through another gazilllion of pages from hell.

10. Samantha Sheen (Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen)
9. Sean and Preston Federline (Britney and Fed-Ex)
8. David Banda (Madonna)
7. Matilda Rose Ledger (Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger)
6. Cruz Beckham (Posh and Becks)
5. Sam Alexis Woods (Tiger and Elin Woods)
4-2. Pax, Zahara, and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (in that order)(Brangelina)
1. Suri Cruise (TomKat)

And as long as we're on the subject, I have only this to ask ... WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

How could anyone in their right mind include tug-of-war toy David Banda but omit Kingston Rossdale? Or Johan Samuel? Or Harlow Winter Kate Madden, for that matter?

And what about the inferiority complexes foisted upon helpless and defenseless celebritots who through no fault of their own are subjected to arbitrary and capricious rejection every time they hear the name "Forbes?" It's not like these children ask to be paraded around like a traveling museum. The least we can do is feign a little respect for their privacy.

Not so when it comes to 2008's Best and Worst Celebrity Couples list. You'll also slog through a ton of advertising, but at the end of the day, won't feel any worse for the wear.

Unlike hot to trot celebritots, there's the trade-off component of choosing a profession that unfolds in the public eye. Celebrities expect and anticipate a certain amount of ogle. It's the American way, for goodness sake!

For those reasons and the fact that only one couple per family posted in the best and worst section, no spoilers about 2008's Best and Worse. Go ahead, get your hands dirty.

I won't tell if you won't.

Hairdo Horriblus Giving Fashion a Bad Name

Runways can't get enough of them and now celebrities are rapidly joining their ranks. Continuing the Amy Winehouse trend of hairdo horriblus, follicle follies are taking root across the pond and beyond.

Okay, my puns need work. But so do unpalatable updos, hair accessories with no business being seen in public, and styles that haven't seen the light of day since 1969.

Consider Victoria Beckham's latest roadkill pixie. The look is positively revolting and I don't mean that in a good way. No idealistic counter-movements here. More like get back to the drawing board and splurge on hair extensions. Halle Berry Posh is not.

Just thinking about the endless possibilities of more monkey see monkey do made my heart go pitter-pat. Imagine these hilarious reverberations.

Victoria Beckham

Paris Hilton

Sienna Miller

Whoopi Goldberg

Madonna

Donald Trump

Incredibly silly, right? No more than the real thing. These are not -- I repeat NOT -- the latest looks for Halloween.

Amy Winehouse

Alan Cumming

Abbey Clancy

Adele

Yvonne Hoelzel

On second thought, that last one would make a fabu Marie Antoinette.

Gwen Stefani Gives Birth and Other Mundane Celebrity Gossip

This feature is sometimes known as Mo' Gossip.

Zuma Nesta Rock joins big bro, Kingston James McGregor as the second son of rockers Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale. Stefani gave birth by C-section early Thursday afternoon at Cedars Sinai Medical Hospital in Los Angeles. Although Nesta sounds like a nod to reggae great Bob Marley, the game loving Kingston actually may have helped name the new addition.

"The accusation is dangerous, defamatory and blatantly untrue. Victoria takes her position as a role model to young women very seriously and is horrified by this hurtful, fabricated story." So says Posh Spice's agent Jo Milloy amidst published reports that the diminuitive pop diva and fashion goddess secretly indulges in diet pills smuggled by her sister to stay a slim size zero. Beckham is considering legal action against British tabloid Now Magazine.

Don't get the wrong idea, gossip hounds. Woody Allen ingenue Scarlett Johansson is delaying her marriage to actor Ryan Reynolds until after the presidential election. Twin brother Hunter is so busy working on Barack Obama's campaign, the couple has decided to wait until his calendar is clear.

Fans left The Tyra Banks Show in a huff. The brains behind America's Next Top Model let her audience wait for almost two hours while she shot the breeze with staff and friends behind stage. During the taping she made the audience go outside to release balloons in honor of black models. Seems no one was in much of a mood to comply.

Yep. That's it. Sorry so short, but time constraints on this end. Tune in again for the daily Wrap of Crap.

Jewel Elopes, Osteen Trial Plays Race Card, and Miss Universe Models Nude

Okay, we've succumbed to the pressure. You clamoured for mundane celebrity gossip and we're going to give it to you. Introducing a brand new feature here at The Spewker, The Weekly Wrap of Crap.

Jay-Z will not confirm or deny his marriage to Beyonce even though US Magazine caught him out and about with a wedding ring. Mr. Carter considers personal matters off limits to the news. In other words, NOYDB. Get the full story at Vibe. In related news, cosmetics giant L'Oreal denies lightening Beyonce's skin in recent print ads.

Celebrity pastor Joel Osteen's wife is fighting to keep 10% of her net worth in an ongoing civil suit. Continental flight attendant Maria Brown is suing Victoria Osteen for assaulting her over a drink spill. The Osteens left the flight, leading to a $3,000 fine by the FAA. Jurors audibly gasped as Osteen's attorney accused Plaintiff's witness of testifying by playing the race card. The ugliness continues in a Houston, Texas courtroom.

19-year old Joshua Allen is the Season 4 winner of So You Think You Can Dance. Read yesterday's spoiler alert at Entertainment Weekly.

Harvey Weinstein shoved Catherine Zeta-Jones' latest release under the bus. His new distribution company Third Rail Releasing dumped Death Defying Acts in the UK after last week's dismal U.S. box office receipts. The film opened in two theaters and made less than $4,000.

Sienna Miller and Balthazar Getty continue getting hot and steamy. Despite reports of reconciliation with his wife, Getty and Miller were spotted together Wednesday in a Malibu Country Mart shopping center.

Tons of celebrity divorces in the works. Dixie Chicks Emily Robison finalized her divorce with crooner Charlie Robison. Tennis star Pam Shriver filed for divorce from actor George Lazenby. Cynthia Rodriguez filed for divorce from New York Yankee's star Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod shot back with a request for enforcement of their prenup. Pro-wrestler Ric Flair may be headed for divorce after muddled reports surfaced about wife Tiffany filing papers. Boston Red Sex owner John Henry reached an out of court settlement with wife Peggy Sue Henry. And actor Morgan Freeman and wife Myrna Colley-Lee filed for divorce after 24 years of marriage. The two were separated before Freeman's serious car accident and subsequent hospitalization. Freeman was released from the hospital sometime after 12 noon yesterday.

Elvis' famous peacock jumpsuit sold for a record $300,000 at auction. It was the highest amount ever bid for Elvis memorabilia. Daughter Lisa Marie is pregnant with twins.

David and Victoria Beckham, Kate Moss, Liam Gallagher, and Patsy Kensit made the short list of sixteen contenders vying for the title of "most influential magazine cover off all time."

Singer Jewel and longtime rodeo star boyfriend Ty Murray eloped, surprising tabloids after living together for more than ten years.

The new Miss Universe, Dayana Mendoza, will not lose her title for modeling jewelry in the nude. The controversial photos were taken before she competed for the crown.

Denise Richards is an "unappealing reality star" and her E! show faces possible cancellation. Viewers are fleeing in droves after the Charlie Sheen-ex used foul language on her show and publicly battled Sheen in an ugly custody battle for their two toddler daughters.

Beckham Unknowingly Pitches Safe Sex

"Score in the bedroom like Becks does on the pitch."

David Beckham promotes the biggest selling condoms in China. Problem is, he doesn't earn him a dime from his celebrity endorsement. The condoms are manufactured without his knowledge or permission, causing an uproar among fans who want to ban further sales.

Talk about infringement of intellectual property rights. A few bad apple Chinese manufacturers and the whole nation gets cloaked with a layer of deception.

There are more unsavory fates than acting as the unauthorized pitchman for safe sex or seeing your unauthorized likeness tossed about in some porno movie. Becks can take away some measure of comfort knowing he isn't the face of some other sleazy best selling product, like Kim Kardashian's behind.

[Source]

There's a New Posh and Becks in Town

Not seeing the resemblance between Posh and Kate. Not Holmes, silly, Beckinsale, Posh's brand spanking new BFF.

Oh, you didn't know chic spicy was on the prowl for a suitable "joined at the hip" replacement? Even before Mrs. Cruise set her sights on New York, a tiff over body art may have driven the formerly inseparable duo apart.

Why is it every time Mrs. Beckham hangs out with a gal pal, the press has to brand them twins? It's like a knee jerk reaction, an automatic "Oh, they're both wearing black cocktail dresses, so suddenly no one can tell them apart" way of thinking.

I've stumbled across my share of "separated at births," but Beckinsale and Posh? Not a chance. Desperate for news much? On the other hand, it's a newly teamed Posh and Becks, so the conjecture may be a smidgen newsworthy.

For what it's worth, here are some real dead ringers.

Marc Jacobs Photo Shoot a Posh Mosh Collection

The truth is I'm pretty peeved at myself for spending so much time away. Trying to line up jobs, get exposure, run a household, and be a person... the juggling act is starting to take its toll. Oh, it'll all work out in the end, I'm sure. But in the meantime, The Spewker is definitely taking it on the chin.

To make it up to all our loyal fans -- all five of you -- I'm skewering Victoria Beckham a/k/a/ Posh Spice and her Marc Jacobs photo shoot. The photographs are such a riot, I can't help reprinting them here. But in case I get asked to take them down, you can still laugh at the originals here.


Sara McCorquodale, writing for DailyMail, hones in on this thumbsucker fetal position monstrosity, calling it a way for Posh to evade her status as a fashion icon.


If you ask me, Posh looks like a maid with rubber cleaning gloves who can't decide whether she's going to do a Maypole dance or go to town on her fingers. The streamers flowing from her backside make her look like she's sprouted a tail. You know, if someone would turn this photo to the left 90 degrees, she'd look like a thumbsucker on an invisible pogo stick. Ugh. Yuck. Make it go away.

This frog whisperer photo isn't much better...



Is she trying to seduce the frog, suck it like her thumb, or position her mouth just so hoping it will leap inside? The gloves look thick and oversized, like vintage clothing from the bottom of your mother's hope chest to wear on Halloween. And what's with the hair? Sweat much? It's positively slick, shiny and hanging in clumpy wisps. Couldn't they stop the shoot for a quick shampoo and a blowdry?

Finally, this last composite, I'm not quite sure what to make of it.



I've never seen Posh look quite so Oriental. Is it that black beanie-looking thing over her forehead or the way she's holding the tote like a ninja warrier weapon? Every tense muscle and bulging bicep says this is not a woman to tangle with in a dark alley. Those pink rings around her neck and sleeves -- are they part of some gauzey see-through shirt? Why even bother with a shirt like this? I can see everything nature gave the lady and stuff it didn't. Mashed up implants ready to snap a bra strap or two.

Don't these designers believe in leaving anything to the imagination?

Celebrities Served 12.31.07

Not wanting to step on the toes of a more prominent site reporting celebrity justice, the following lesser known shorts were gleaned over the past week from a variety of sources:


CRIMINAL MATTERS

Mischa Barton was released on $10,000 bail after being busted for DUI, possession of a controlled substance and marijuana, and driving with a suspended license. Police pulled her over for driving in two lanes of traffic and failing to signal.

Amy Winehouse wants to recant her confession to possession of marijuana. A Norwegian court has summoned the chanteuse to appear on February 29, 2008. Winehouse has seen her share of legal problems over the past year. After her jailed husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, failed a drug test, authorities banned the couple from having personal contact during prison visits. Winehouse was later arrested for interfering with a police investigation.

Thieves stole expensive shoes and a personalized designer robe from Posh Spice a.k.a. Victoria Beckham. The singer is on a reunion tour with her former rock band, The Spice Girls.

Sugababe Amelle Berrabah’s boyfriend, Freddie Fuller, was the victim of a bizarre Christmas Eve machete attack. Police have arrested a 28-year old man on suspicion of attempted murder.

Party promoter, Apollo Holmes, is wanted on aggravated assault charges after brutally beating personal fitness trainer, Darius Miller, outside a Peachtree Street nightclub. Miller remains hospitalized in a coma.


CIVIL ACTIONS

An ex-girlfriend is suing NYPD Blue star, Esai Morales, for transmitting herpes through forcible sex. Lawyers for Elizabeth Mazzocchi say two other women have come forward with similar claims.

Radio broadcasters are livid over a bill working its way through Congress. Traditionally able to play music without paying associated performance fees, the bill would place radio stations on a level playing ground with other music media providers.

The "truth" hurts. Chuck Norris is suing Penguin publishers and author, Ian Spector, for a book he claims unfairly exploits his famous name.

Five children of the late James Brown are challenging their lack of inheritance. Doubts were cast on the validity of the famed singer's last will and testament after earlier drafts indicated conflicting intention.

A devoted "Trekkie" fan is suing Christie’s auction house, claiming a prop auctioned for $6,000.00 was fake. Calls to CBS Paramount were not immediately returned.

A lesser known musician is accusing Baby Shambles rocker, Pete Doherty, of stealing an original song without affording proper credit. We imagine the suit is about money, not fame, although the two sometimes do go hand in hand.

In other disputes concerning failure to authorize, Indie rock groups have filed a class action lawsuit against R.J. Reynolds Tobacco, magazine legend Rolling Stone, and Wenner Media. The bands claim they were not consulted about an illustrated spread which deceptively included advertisements for Camel cigarettes. A number of bands also want public apologies.

AND LOOK WHO'S GETTING OR IS FINALLY DIVORCED,

Dita Von Teese and Marilyn Manson
Valerie Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen
David Faustino and Andrea Faustino
Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn


CELEBRITY POLITICS

Brian McNamee and Roger Clemens may come to heads over testimony cited in the Mitchell Report. The controversial Report doesn’t stop with athlete outings. Entertainer, Carrot Top, was also cited for unusual body beefing.

Superstar, Will Smith, is angry over the backlash against his misinterpreted Hitler sympathies. For the record, Smith believes "Adolph Hitler was a vile, heinous vicious killer responsible for one of the greatest acts of evil committed on this planet."

Before airing The Pogues' "Fairytale of New York," Britain’s Radio One tried to dub the words "slut" and "faggot" from the 20-year old festive hit. After much public criticism, the song aired as intended.

In a bizarre ban indicative of political strong-arming, The Motion Picture Association of America rejected a movie poster design for Taxie to the Dark Side, a documentary exposing the U.S. government’s use of torture. The MPAA claimed the poster was unacceptable for the eyes of young children.

Poor Wesley Snipes has resorted to playing the race card in his tax evasion dispute. Listen, crybaby, we like your films, but you’ll never get ahead in this world if you keep blaming everything on the color of your skin. The truth will win out in court, and if not, cough up the money and move on.

The White Rose Coalition, a group of anti-war activists who count Cindy Sheehan among its members, is planning a pre-parade demonstration in Pasadena tomorrow. The planned site of the 119th Annual Tournament of Roses Parade is calling for added police protection.

British Airways suffered some political backlash after allowing the minor son of celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsey, to travel on an invalid passport. Other passengers/customers are crying a preferential treatment foul.

One of our favorite actresses, Julia Roberts, spent $30million transforming her personal residence into a lean green eco-efficient machine. Julia became more environmentally conscious after having children. If you've got it, at least flaunt it on something worthwhile.

The Pope denounced Nicole Kidman’s new movie The Golden Compass. Maybe that accounts for the film's tepid earnings at the box office. When The Vatican speaks, the faithful listen.

Private corporation, Clear Channel Outdoor, is teaming with the FBI to display digital "wanted posters." The company operates over 167,000 advertising displays in the U.S.

In crossover news, supermodel, Naomi Campbell, is doing her part to improve humanitarian conditions in Cuba. The British babe turned political reporter plans to interview Fidel Castro during her tour.


CELEBRITY CAUSES

Ever hear of reverse charity? Managers of popular pop duo, The Veronicas, refused to refund a $17,500 booking deposit for a cancelled benefit concert. The proceeds were meant for the family of a boy suffering from brain cancer.

Spencer Pratt of The Hills fame, and actresses Jennifer Love Hewitt and Melissa Joan Hart served Christmas dinner to the homeless at the L.A. Mission.

Singer, Morrissey, donated 20,000 pounds to help restore a youth club immortalized in a song by his former band, The Smiths.

Steven Spielberg and Henry Winkler enlisted the assistance of top talent for the 2007 Home for the Holidays charitable event. This year’s event raised awareness of foster care.

Country legend, Willie Nelson, donated $40K to the town of Vancouver, Washington. The singer wanted to assist special projects in the "town who knew him before he was famous."

Barron Hilton, grandfather of socialite, Paris Hilton, has decided to place the bulk of the Hilton Hotel fortune in a charitable trust benefitting The Conrad N. Hilton Foundation. The foundation supports projects providing clean water in Africa, education for blind children, and housing for the mentally ill.

R&B star, John Legend, knows how to give back. The singer returned home to perform in a "Coming Home Christmas Benefit Concert." Proceeds will fund The Jason Collier Memorial Scholarship Fund.

Corporate retailer, H&M, is teaming up with pop singer, Rihanna and other celebrities to raise money for HIV/Aids.

Wishing all of our readers a very Happy and Healthy New Year!

Spice Girls Concert Tour Needs More Show

The attractive and stunningly fashionable Beckhams seem to be everywhere. Becks and brood caught wife Victoria’s half-empty show at the Vegas Mandalay on Monday. Word on the street suggests The Spice Girls’ "sold-out" concert tour is heavy on promo but light on showmo.

Posh must not have been as nervous as originally leaked to the media, supposedly the reason for sending hubby away for the premiere. Despite having recently traveled halfway around the world, there he was, along with BFFs Tom and Katie, cheering the spices from a private box. With all that star power and empty seating, the least they could have done was try to fill the place by sitting on the floor. The trashy crowd would have ignited, causing anyone within earshot to purchase admission just to check out the commotion.

Posh is next month's Elle cover story, but with the kind of press she and the spices have been generating of late, the issue may have prematurely shot its wad. “I’m such a gay man trying to get out,” Mrs. Beckham remarks, a reaction from political left field to her supposed drag queen sense of fashion.

Already, the bloggers are having a field day. When this issue hits newsstands, there’ll be little left to deride. Then there’s the mainstream. They can’t figure out how to react, but dutifully report the uttering anyway. Readers are left to think what they will.

Gay men have been known for flamboyancy, it’s true, but Posh’s sense of fashion isn't quite on the level of queen. Besides, plenty of gay men have devoted followings without being camp. This one immediately comes to mind. No self-respecting queen would be caught dead in that ensemble.

Perhaps the offhanded remark was just a ploy to fill seats.

David Beckham Exchanging Hongis and Who Knows What Else

David Beckham exchanged hongis with local politicians, women in traditional paint, Maori dancers and bare-chested warriors after touching down in Wellington, New Zealand for a soccer exposition. Cultural exchange is a good thing, but these photographs suggest exchanges of something more than just goodwill.
See them do it? An entire soccer team? Sounds kinky.


You’re right, Becks, traveling to the other side of the world in a private jet and playing nosey-nosey with the locals doesn’t happen every day. Wonder what other kinds of welcome you’ve received.

Nervous wife, Posh, may want to reconsider banning Becks from the kick-off of her Spice Girls world tour. Seeing him up close and personal with so many strangers should be far more panic inducing than occasional glimpses in the audience. Better yet, stick him and the boys backstage with a TV monitor.

If he still wants to see what the All Blacks would do, maybe he should paint a little on himself.